From Infertility to Miracle: Carly's Story of Loss, Faith, and Healing

I just had to really, again, switch my mind to truth, which is God restores, God heals, God brings peace, and kind of build that foundation again in my heart and my mind. Because if there's no foundation for truth, like, what are you standing on? Welcome to the iRefresh podcast, where every conversation points to the life-changing power of God's living Word. Let's pursue God together, one conversation at a time. Many women today struggle with infertility to where they lose all hope. Yet we have an amazing God of miracles who is so constant. And we have a person with a lot of hope that has a story to tell us. Carly, welcome. Thank you. Thank you for having me. So glad you're here. Me too. So begin to tell us where God has taken you and the ups and downs of where you're at as far as your story on that. Yeah. Well, to start it, I mean, I grew up and I just wanted to be a mom. Like, that was all people would ask me, what do you want to be when you grow up? And my answer was always, I want to be a mom. And so that's been precious to my heart since I was a child. And I got married young and just thought that the babies would come. I just... It's going to be a thing that I always wanted. And God knew that I wanted. And I entrusted that to God when we got married. God, you have control over this area of my life. And we just give this to you. And then I had to wait a long time. So how long was, when you say a long time, what were you thinking? So it might not be long in terms of everyone else's struggles. I had to wait a year for my firstborn. But that year was, it was like, oh, every month. Like, oh, oh, I'm not, oh. Oh, it's not an automatic thing. Did you find in that when you're questioning where were you at? Like with your conversation with the Lord? It was like, what's happening? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me, God? And turns out it wasn't something wasn't wrong with me physically. It was a spiritual thing that the Lord had to deal with. And it was such an interesting story. story with my firstborn and all three of my kids something spiritual has happened right before I conceive and it was crazy so my first one I was working and my boss at the time she's like hey I'm gonna go to this bible study tonight why don't you come with me my husband was working late it's like okay I have time I had a migraine all day I just was like I didn't want to go but like felt like the Lord was like just go Jessica. So we had this Bible study and I honestly don't even remember what the lady talked about. Like it wasn't really moving me, which is sad, but my head was hurting and then they had a prayer time afterwards. And I just like found myself going up and walking up to the front for a prayer. And it just felt like the Lord just kind of pushed me up there. And I went up to this gal and never met these people in my life. She just starts ministering in the spirit and praying. And she's like, do I have anything to pray for? And I was like, I have a really bad migraine right now and I'm having a hard time. She's like, okay. So she starts praying and, She's like, are you trying to have a child? And I'm like, and then the Lord was like, okay, we're going to do this right now. And a confirmation. Yeah. And I was like, yes, we've been trying for a year. And did your friend know what was going on? No. Okay. So no one knew. No one knew. Okay. Never been to this Bible study before. No one knew my story. Never met these people. So she was really hearing from God. She's like, okay, well, I really feel like... I really feel like the Lord is wanting you to know that you're not conceiving because of sin before you got married. And that was something that I had never even voiced to the Lord, but it was heavy on my heart. Like, God, I messed up. I did a bad thing. This is why this is my consequence. This is my penalty. Wow. And, um, She's like, the Lord wants you to know that that's not the case. And just rocked my world. And the next month, I got a positive pregnancy test. That's the beauty of the Lord. And I love how God confirms... what we're struggling with him. We don't have to identify it, but that his presence is there because he's wanting to communicate with us and confirm his word for us to have that dialogue with him and for him to be so loving, to reaffirm, I care this is not the thing. And he opened up that you can have a baby. Yeah. It was so like, I just felt overwhelmed with his love and grace for me that like in my innermost, Like I hadn't even shared those things with my husband, like so personal to me. And I just felt wretched before the Lord. And, you know, but he saw that before I even knew how to talk about it and dealt with it so that I could have my blessing. What a beautiful thing that the God is doing multiple things in our lives at the same time. Yes. Like answering our prayer. Yes. And yet given us more because he wants us to walk in a place of freedom. That's beautiful. Yeah. So you had first a son. So that was my son. Yes. So why was there a struggle after? Because you wanted to have more. Yes. I wanted to have, you know, I want to have six kids. I just wanted a large family. After that, you know, we were trying like almost immediately after like we're ready. Like I'm ready to be a mom. I'm ready to do this thing. Three and a half years go by and nothing's happening. That's quite a stretch. Yeah. And, you know, it was again, why God? What's going, what's wrong with me? What is wrong with me? Like, this is something that's supposed to happen. It's a, you know, it's a blessing. Like, children are blessings from the Lord. Like, it was such a, it was an area that I even had to stop praying about. because I was just so grieved. Now tell me too, in that process, did you just keep that continually to yourself or did you share with someone to help support you and pray and encourage you? At that time, I didn't have the people around me to minister in that way to me. And maybe it was a mixture of both. Like I, I didn't feel like I could. And so I didn't. And it was honestly just me and my husband and she would, I would just cry every month and then I'd go on with my life, you know? And so that's part of the next one is we weren't really getting fed spiritually and it was really weighing us down. And the Lord had told us to move, And moved across the state and be a part of a different ministry at the time. And we just didn't want to. We weren't ready to do that. Okay. And what was holding you back? Like fear of the unknown. And, you know, my husband had a good job and I didn't want to leave my family at all. My mom and dad are just wonderful people and my help so much with my first and like his family was there, too. We didn't want to leave his family. Like so our families, like our lives, we grew up there like it's really hard to let go of and trust the Lord and, you know, just step out in faith. And then I had a miscarriage and that just happened. It's like, why would God give this to me for them to be taken away? And something that I've longed for for so long. And still, it's like, why am I emotional? It's like, I'm still struggling with the ones that I've lost. So in that struggle... what are the kinds of things like that? How do you find the Lord try to help you when you're just doing the wise? Yeah. Like how do you find peace or have you still, if you feel like the enemy also even taunts you to come back to a place where God's trying to give you a peace, even though sometimes we just don't have answers, right? Sometimes it's on the other side of heaven that we have to resort to, like God, give me a place of peace in the midst of the herd. Yeah, I had to really switch my mindset of God didn't cause my baby to die. You know, it's not God's fault. Yes. God is perfect. God does not give me bad things. God doesn't give me grief. God is the giver of life and life abundantly. So I had to choose in my mind truth in that area. It's that they're alive in heaven with Jesus. And all they know is perfection. All they know. They're never going to know anything. sorrow and trouble and the things that we have to do on earth and you know when at first that didn't bring me comfort like oh they weren't supposed to die that's the problem like i was supposed to have them but now it's the lord has really helped me understand that that is the truth and they are okay i'm gonna see i'm gonna be i am i will and what a beautiful day it's gonna They actually are alive in heaven. I just don't get to meet them yet, you know? So still something that's really difficult, but I've found so much healing just because I've actually let the Lord in, in that area. And it's really hard to in the moment because it's filled with wise, it's filled with... Even like accusations to the Lord, God forbid, like God didn't do this, obviously, like I said. So really had to trust the Lord and switch my mind to truth. So you're after three and a half years, you have a miscarriage. So... I had to be a almost try not to be fearful of getting pregnant again because you don't know what's going to happen. Yeah. And because it took so long. Yeah. So where were your thoughts? Start all over again. OK. You know, so that was a fear to like, am I just going to miscarry now? Like what's right. Is this my new reality? Yeah. One and done. One and done. You know, so. Praise God. That's not the case. So we finally made the decision to obey the Lord and move. And the week that we moved, I conceived. Wow. Wow. Like we got to where we moved to in that next week. That obedience, that immediate obedience is like the reward of our obedience to the Lord when he helps to woo us towards, he knows what's best for us and we don't know it. It's just so hard when we can go past our insecurity and fear of not knowing, right? I think that's the hard thing in any part of our lives that we can struggle with those things where we're not. Like we could play it out the scenarios too, right? I don't know about you. It's like a story in your head. You just played out every scenario. If I do this, I'm going to lose this. My family's not going to, I'm not going to be connected. I'm not going to have my support system. Yeah. I had to start all over. It's going to be lonely. Wow. What a step of faith. Yeah. It was, it was, and our lives have been changed ever since. Ever since. And then that eventually led us to move down here. And what a blessing it's been. So from Washington, Oklahoma. Washington, Oklahoma. That's why you would have told me. Wow. What a change. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Crazy. It's been wild. Yeah. So we get down here and then it was another almost four years before. And in that time, I know I look back, me and my husband were going through some pretty big struggles and my stress levels were very high. Yeah. and I even like went and got my hormones done and like wanted to so then it was just me striving going back to the what am I doing what am I doing wrong you think I learned by now The feelings, that's just our nature, because we're always looking to who we can point the finger to. It's either God or you, right? It's like there's got to be something that we're not doing right. Yes. So then I'm like going inward and like, okay, God, like, what's wrong with me? What do I need to do now? You know, show me. I'm so ready to like, you know, and I'm gripping so hard and I'm just, God, you know. So and then on top of all the stress and, you know, so then we had a horrific year in 2023. It was just the hardest year of our lives, really. Two of my husband's brothers passed away that year. Our pastor passed away that year. And it was just one thing after another. And it was so much loss. It was so much loss in such a small amount of time. Still learning how to really put the Lord first in our marriage. And we've come so far. Praise God. We've come so far. And there's been so much healing. Just had to really, again, switch my mind to truth, which is, God restores, God heals, God brings peace, and kind of build that foundation again in my heart, in my mind. Because if there's no foundation for truth, like, what are you, will you standing on, on, you know, sandy ground? You know, it's not going to be, you're not going to be able to build upon anything. Honestly, I think in that season of just trauma and struggle, the Lord closed my womb. Because I don't think I would have had enough to give. And that might not be true, but it just seems like that was the case for me. It was stressful with two kids. And my youngest was just, he needed a lot more than my oldest did. My oldest was a really easy, easy child, right? My second one. He's a tornado. He really is. I love him to pieces. He's great. He's so much. You know, motherhood is all about stretching. Yes. Because they don't make cookie cutter children. They really don't. You can't do the same thing and get the same response for each child. So it's always like asking girlfriends and moms like, okay, what did you do in this scenario? I need other ideas. Yes. And we all have small kids. My brothers-in-law and my families, we all have small kids. There's a lot of them. And we were very busy with trying to process. And my husband changed jobs like three times. And it was just chaos for a long time. So we're finally coming out of the chaos. Glory to God. But my brother-in-law's funeral, I actually had another miscarriage. And I know the Lord was protecting me. I didn't know at the time that I was miscarrying. That day, I think the next day or two, I was still miscarrying and I didn't know I was and the Lord just told me to take a pregnancy test. And I did. And I was like, very positive and went to the ER and had that confirmed. And again, it was just insanely difficult. It was just... I didn't know what to do at that point. I was at my wits end. Like, God, this, I felt like I just got over the first loss of my baby. And then why? Why do I have to do this again? Right. Why do I have to do this again? God. another it's just another another opportunity to trust the lord another opportunity to stand on truth and is that they are alive in heaven i had to go through this whole thing again knowing that the lord still has goodness for me was something that i had to learn i started striving again you know what do i do like i need to eat healthy i need to do this i need to work out i need to lose weight i got to do all these things and it was up to me it was i had to do it like I just kind of dismissed what God could do in that situation. And I think there's a difference though too. You know, I think it's good to be able to do all we know to do. Yes. You know, I think it's, there's a wisdom in it doing all the right things on our part because then it's also then we can lean into the lord like okay i know i'm doing all that i have knowledge of to do and for the betterment because you still are you're caring for two children yeah and you need to be healthy yes they have a great expectations that we bounce around have the same energy as they have which That would be great. But, you know, like you've stolen some of my energy, you know, but I think those are great. However, you needed also to have that sounds like that connection with the Lord to help you walk through that. Yes. In the same time. Yes. So it was a mixture of grief and then just like doing what I was kind of like running around with my head cut off, like just like doing whatever I thought I needed to do. Which God can use for sure. But I had to relinquish the reins. I had to let control. I had to let control. I have to let control. Ruh-roh. And, yeah, it was, it wasn't this big, huge thing that happened, like moving or, you know, something like that. I was driving home one day by myself. And I had like this revelation of what I was doing. The Lord had mercy on me and showed me what I was doing in the flesh. Like you have been striving. And of course, like my pastors, but they've all been praying for me and telling me these things, you know, but the Lord finally helped it click. You could hear what he was speaking. Yes. So, you know, we've had multiple, like been prayers for us and like to conceive again. And, you know, you just gotta let it go, Carly. You gotta heal. You gotta let it go, let it go. Let go of the hurt. Let go of the grief. Let go of the trauma. Let go of your previous experiences the way you think it should go. So driving home and I said, Lord, I can't do this. I can't do this. But I know you can. Amen. And he did. The next month. Here comes Ruby. Here comes Ruby. Love Ruby. She has been amazing. a bomb to us our souls like she has brought so much joy and so much healing even just to me of and she's a girl too like i didn't know i wanted a girl i when i got pregnant i was like oh it's probably gonna be a boy and i'm gonna be i'm just gonna be a boy mom it's gonna be great and we found out we're having a girl and it's like our whole lives are gonna be gonna be rocked so different oh yeah so different so Um, and with this pregnancy, well, I had, I had had two C-sections with my boys and those were not planned. I did not want to have C-sections. They were very traumatic. And, um, my healing process with those were just extremely difficult, like very long. Very painful. I had to be on, like, narcotics for a long time. It was horrible. And I have big babies, too. So my body was having a hard time. So this pregnancy, it's like, okay, Lord, like, this is a blessing. Where, like, I reached first trimester, you know, had to just trust him, honestly, and keep letting go of... what I thought, like, like, just fear, honestly, like going to fear, like, I'm not going to miscarry. This is a blessing from the Lord. And we're keeping our blessings from the Lord. Sometimes you got to hold on to your miracle. Amen. And that's what I had to do. I really had to fight for that miracle because the enemy loves to come in and we know we all know how he does, you know. Oh, this has happened to you. This is going to happen again. This is your new normal. And that's like, God bind you. Like, sit down and shut up. Sorry. Just really had to be more aggressive against the enemy with this one. So. And on top of that, I really wanted a natural delivery. Also in Oklahoma, like we don't do that. If you have a C-section, that means you're always gonna be a C-section mom. And even birth centers won't take you if you have C-sections that you can't even try. And so really felt the Lord encourage us that this is possible and this is the way it should be. And we honestly just, I just got faith for it. And it was a process to get faith for that when I was pregnant. I did get a doctor that was willing to help me sort of try, but I was like a very small box. Like you only have freedom to do this. You know, I can't go to labor before 40 weeks. And like I had to do all these things and qualify for it, basically. Yeah. In the end, I went in like I had all the things lined up, like all the things I had to do. In order to try lined up right away, like went to the labor and I was already at three at the hospital and they took me. I got an epidural. I rested. It was it was a long time. In the end, I did. I pushed her out. And it was just. It's another miracle. Miraculous. It was like everybody was shocked. The whole staff, like they were shocked. Like what a testimony. Yes. Yeah. And it's so like so healing for me because like it was the same. What if what's like it's something's wrong with me. I can't push babies out. Like I can't do what my body was designed to do. And so it wasn't. what can God do? It was my lack. It was what happened to me. Like, my experiences shaped my reality instead of looking at the Lord and letting him shape your reality. Yeah, she was just as big as my other kids. Her head was a little smaller. And healthy, though. And healthy. So healthy. You guys turn all of the challenges to where you are... mothering and keeping yourself exhausted, mothering three children and the homeschooling and all those great things. What would you say that are the things that you walk through through each of your pregnancies and the challenges that help you to process and to overcome? Well, I think just thinking about it is it was a really big pruning process for me. And with each one of them, it was something different. And that's something that the Lord was so gracious with me on. It wasn't just one thing that I had to do every time. There was multiple things that the Lord wanted to do in me and address and heal me of. And the first one being just shame and really wanting to address that with me and give me hope and peace that we can let that go. He can let that go. And then with my second, it was just pure obedience. We really just had to obey. And that brought the blessing, which typically you do get a blessing when you obey the Lord. And then letting go of grief, too. I'll always grieve them. But I really needed to let the Lord in to heal me. You know, sometimes I thought that if I start to heal, I'd forget. And they wouldn't mean anything because— When people don't know the grief of losing babies, like, well, I didn't really talk about it either, but it happened to me. It didn't even happen to my husband, so he grieves differently in that way, too. But I just felt like if I didn't grieve them anymore, like... those expect it didn't happen and they and it did happen and that i had to let the lord in lord how do i how do i heal this how do how do i heal um so that's still a process but i'm way further along than than i was and then with with my last pregnancy it was really just about surrender to the lord and um letting him reshape you know Instead of striving and striving in the flesh and doing all the things I need to do, which is, you know, you need to do the things that you know you should. But really... letting him appreciate my my thinking process of how big and how powerful and how capable he is you know if i read abraham and sarah a lot and what a miracle that story is like she was past her childbearing age so is he if god can do that Of course, he can help me conceive and heal me and do all those things. So another reason to really get into scripture about your situation, like there's this there's an answer for all of your problems in the Bible. And we just need to believe it and trust it that God has that for us. Carly, how do you walk through all the emotions when you've gone through loss? Well, first of all, I had to actually tell the Lord how I was feeling. That was a big shift for me. I would just kind of sit there and I wouldn't pray about it. I wouldn't let the Lord in. And I became a really private person about it. That was something that I had to actively do whenever I get a wave of grief, whenever I would, you know, start to wallow and like, this is going to be my situation forever or I'm never going to heal from this. Like I had to tell the Lord, God, it feels like this. I'm feeling this way. And then if I'm addressing how I'm feeling, the Lord can actually work with that. And then I would start to pray. And then in comes a scripture into my heart of addressing that specific problem. So being honest with the Lord, like you're not going to surprise God with your bad emotions, you know. Nothing that everything that you have in your heart, he knows. It's not going to surprise him. He's not going to be overwhelmed with your situation, you know, but he has a specific answer for you. And I really just had to open my heart and just tell him how I was feeling and tell him about it. That's beautiful, Carly. It's really encouraging for even me to hear how God's helped you to fight, to overcome. obstacles and challenges and hurt and pain and questioning and moving past questioning. And I think that that's for us is if we can move past those questions, the enemy wants you to keep questioning and doubting God. But God is always constant. He never changes. He's always going to be there with us to affirm, to love us. And it's like what Carly said, it is healing has good things for us. Yeah. Carly, there are some that will listen to this about infertility, and they don't even know, have a deep relationship with Christ. How would you want to share with them the hope that lies within you that helped you to walk through all these different stages of the highs and the lows, the defeat, the loss of hope, to where you regained that? What would you say to them? I would say, first of all, that God is real. God is very, very real. And to start to pray and ask God to reveal himself to you because he's ready to. He's really ready to. His heart is to save. His heart is to heal. And get yourself a Bible. get yourself a Bible and read it. And I think from just from my, my testimony, God has to be real because of these miracles in my life. Like there's, there's no other, there's no other explanation of God's help. And it's him. It's all him. So infertility and loss is such a, such a hard thing to go through. And, and, It's a lot easier if you have the Lord. And that's a big statement, but I can't even imagine going through what I've gone through without the Lord. It was, yeah, horrible. And I know people do, but there's answers and there's hope in Him and there's healing to be had when it seems like there isn't any. So, He's real and He's ready to help you. That's good. You know, one of the things that when you were speaking, Carly, I was thinking too, is on our website at iRefresh.net, we have under Praying Scriptures section, there is a place where you could actually do a search on pregnancies, infertility. And it's a starting place. So we want to encourage you, if you don't have a Bible, Even if you have a Bible, you're like, well, where would I begin to find scriptures that I could stand on and really stir up the hope within you? Go there and begin to look and do a search to find those scriptures that you could begin to speak those and pray those to the Lord to really help you to understand what God thinks and how he desires to walk you through and receive miracles like what you've experienced, Carly. Absolutely. If you listen to this and this infertility has been your story and it's still a struggle, or if you just need encouragement, we want to invite you to be a part of connecting with us so we can pray with you. You can go to irrefresh.net and request for us to be able to pray. We'll set up a time where we can do it through Zoom so you don't have to be here in person, but we would love to encourage you with what the Lord has for you, his heart for you and is so much about his love and truth to come in and accept his truth. Even as Carly's talked about, I had to stop listening to certain voices and hear God's truth. God's truth to you is he loves you. He cares. We care. We want to come alongside his sisters in Christ to help you walk you through into a place of hope that God has for you. If this episode encouraged you, don't let it end here. Open your Bible, seek God's heart, and discover the life-changing power of His promises for yourself. Until next time, keep pursuing the God who changes everything.