EP 78 Working Through Anxiety - Brenda Black

I'm going to accept the fact that this makes me anxious, but I'm going to take it. Thank you, Lord. Okay. Lord, help me with this. This is real. And then I am going to release it and give it to God. Hi, I'm Keri Kittinger, and I'm thrilled to be here today hosting this podcast. And I have with me one of my dear friends, Brenda Black. Keri, it's so fun to be here with you. You know I love you. And I love you too, friend. So fun. So today I think we're just going to chit-chat and really focus in, though, on the issue of anxiety. Anxiety, as you and I both know, I mean, I'm feeling a little anxious right now. Ha ha. But it's increasing in our culture, in our society, with our kids, as mothers. There's just so much anxiety nowadays. One of the things I love about you, Brenda, is that you can relate to women of all ages. You really can. And so what I love is that you know the stats. This isn't just an age thing. It's not just a young person thing, not just an older person thing, or this middle age that we're in. It's really affecting from the young ones all the way up until the older ones. So touch on that a little bit. Yeah, sure. We know statistically right now that one out of every five females or women are on some form of anti-anxiety medication or an antidepressant. And I've even heard one at one out of every three. So, you know, it just and that's OK. It's OK to to get the help you need in in that way. God made medicine. That's why I love Oral Roberts so much, because the whole man we can pray. We can also take medicine. So that's that's not what what I'm focusing in on there. But, you know, the reality is anxiety is at an all time high. And, you know, we need some tools in knowing how to address it in our lives, how to overcome it. One little story I want to tell you about, Carrie, a gal. This was probably about three or four years ago in my office. And I'm a counselor, a licensed professional counselor, and have a private practice here in Tulsa today. And this little gal, she was a twin. She had a twin brother. And she was a twin, 17 years old, beautiful. I mean, stunningly beautiful. She actually had like lavender-looking hair. Oh, wow. Very, just very kind of, I don't know. Free spirit. Yeah, I mean, you can see it. She was just beautiful. And she came in to me and said, You know, I saw the truth about her. This high functioning in the gifted program, you know, all these AP classes as a 17-year-old junior in high school. Very popular, very well liked and loved. She would go home at the end of the day, go in her room, shut the door, and start cutting. Oh, man. And, you know, the pain was so great, you know, the anxiety really that was surrounding her in feeling like I have to perform. I need to be perfect. You know, I need to measure up and make sure everything looks so great. It was so intense in her life. And it was really fun walking her through and just seeing God set her free. But yeah, it really was. And one of the assignments I gave her because she was artistic and she, she was an artist. Like, don't ask me to do this. I'm going to draw a stick figure, but she, she, thank you for clarifying that. You are welcome. Um, she was, um, she could really, really draw. And so I had asked her if she would draw a picture of herself the way that she saw herself when she was all alone. Yeah. You know, maybe standing there in her bedroom with the door slammed shut in the dark. You know, what was it that she felt like she looked like? So I asked her to draw a picture of that. And then I asked her to draw a picture of what she really looked like to others, how she thinks others would perceive her, you know, as they saw her. You know, I thought it would take maybe a month, two months. I'm like, you know, no hurry. Three days later, she texts me this picture. Oh, wow. And so I brought the picture today. She gave me permission to share it, or I would not. Here it is. Absolutely beautiful. And for those of you who are just listening and not seeing, I mean, wow, I mean, she's, first of all, beautiful, but very talented with her artistic capabilities. Yeah, incredibly creative and incredibly gifted. Yeah, so beautiful girl, just free-flowing, you know. And then she drew the picture of how she feels about herself. And it's black hair, darkness. I don't know. How would you describe that, Carrie? It's hard to look at. I mean, very, I mean, yeah, just very red under the eyes. Just look like she's been crying. I mean, absolutely a stark difference. Stark contrast. Yes. Night and day. And a lot of this for her, a lot of the crisis was anxiety about, you know, how she needed to perform. And, you know, one thing that just came to me, it almost looked like all the life was sucked out of her. Yes. So the first picture, there's this full life. And the second picture, it's like all the life just pulled out of her. And isn't that just the tool of the enemy with anxiety? Yes, it absolutely is. And the root of anxiety is fear. You know, it's fear. If you stop and go, okay, wait a second. You know, if you feel often, we feel anxious, anxious in our physical bodies, you know, you know, our gut, our gut. Yeah. Which is your second brain. They say, you know, it's, it's, um, you know, you panic attacks. We experience those in our bodies. So if you can stop and notice, um, Where am I feeling anxious? And what am I really anxious about? What's really going on here? Which is really identifying the fear. I mean, this was maybe six months back or so. But I honestly, you know, I do a worry tree with my clients to try to help them kind of navigate how to... release the anxiety or the worry. And I'm like, you know, I need to practice this. I was feeling that in my belly. I was just feeling that because you can't lead. We talked about this. You can't lead somebody where you're not willing to go. So I love that you do that. Thank you. I'm not perfect at it, but I try. I try. So, yeah, I was driving and I was feeling that anxiety and I pulled my car over, put it in park, stopped. took my three deep cleansing breaths and said, what's going on? What are you really anxious about? Concerned, stressed, and really afraid of. And it, I mean, for me in that moment, it was so simple. It was, it was like, well, you have a big to-do list and you're not going to get it done. And you're, you know, and so I, I just had to go through practically and go, you know what? I have 12 things here. It's almost five o'clock. I only really have to get this one thing done today. Yeah. I can do that. Yeah. Did it. Whew. breathe it, let it go and moved on. That's right. I love that exercise. That's really good because sometimes all we're doing is looking at every single thing on the list that doesn't need to be done in the next five hours that we have left. That's exactly right. Well, and you know, the Bible speaks clearly about this. I love that here in Philippians, I have to put the glasses on by the way. I'll put mine on too. Philippians 4, 5, and 6, or excuse me, 6. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, And I love here that Paul is talking to the church. Yes. is not just an issue for certain people. It's really the whole gamut of people that call upon the name of the Lord and people that don't. And so specifically to women who call upon the name of the Lord, I believe that Paul's reminding us here, do not be anxious about anything. It really doesn't matter what it is, right? Anxiety can present itself. Yes, absolutely. In a number of different ways. Absolutely. So fill in the blank here, but anything, but there's, uh, there's a, there's not a formula about, but there's something to do. I love that. It doesn't just say, don't be anxious, but there's something to do. Right. Thanksgiving. Yes. Right. Yes. Yes. Which reframes how we think about things, you know, in our lives, we can, we can have more fear when we're, when we're focused on the problem. Yes. The, I mean, the, the, the thing that is never changing, you know, the discouragement, But when you when you transition to Thanksgiving, well, thank you, Lord, for this. Yeah, there's this. Let's acknowledge it. Be real. Please be real. Don't don't pretend. We've all on it. Yeah, that doesn't get anybody. Not anymore. We don't do that. You know, we used to do that years ago. We're beyond that. Thank the Lord. So, you know, acknowledge it. But. man I have all of this that's what I'm gonna focus in on yeah and then I love here with Thanksgiving as we said present your request to God so yes like you said there is something yeah there is something that we're anxious about and so what we do is yes we blend that with Thanksgiving but we also say Lord Here it is. Here it is. This is what I'm dealing with. This is the problem. Not afraid to, to say what it is. Right. And then say, okay, what do we do? But I leave it at his feet. Right. Right. And how often do we pick it? I pick it back up sometimes. We all do. I absolutely do. I'm not the only one. Not, no, you're not. No, you're not. And you know, if I had a ball, I would like, I'd throw it at you. You're going to catch it. Usually women were great catchers. You know, anything I throw at you, we catch it. Okay. And so now I have to do something with this. Right. Why do we have to catch everything? What if I just go, no, that's not mine. Wait, wait. You know, is that from God for me? It's okay to not catch everything. And, you know, to your point of, you know, acknowledging things, you have to identify something before you can... release it or acknowledge it or address it. So, you know, being like, well, you know, just avoiding, you know, the anxiety in our anxiety in our lives does not help us overcome it. So it's, it's really acceptance therapy, you know, and the therapeutic model it's, it's going, you know what, I'm going to accept the fact that this makes me anxious, but I'm going to You know, take it. Thank you, Lord. Okay. Lord, help me with this. This is real. And then I am going to release it and give it to God. So, yeah. And I, and I love too, that like you said, I mean, you're, you're going to say, yes, I'm going to release this to the Lord, but there's something to go. I can't do everything. There was, there was a, you're, you're not superwoman. Well, I mean, you know, I think you are. You are. So with that big to do list that you had, you had to reach the point where you couldn't do everything on that list. That's right. And that was okay. So to almost even, I think we were talking earlier that how Paul said, you know, I can even boast in my weaknesses because when I am weak, he is strong. And so even at our weakest moment, we're the most anxious. When we can present those requests to the Lord, we can just say, okay, Lord, now when I'm giving this to you, would you just give me your strength? Yeah. You know, even your eyes to see this problem. Right. Your eyes to see this list and to realize, no one person can do all this in five hours. So, Lord, what two things can I do? What one thing can I do? Yes. Yeah. And why do I feel like I have to do all these things? What's driving this in my life? You know, some of it, sometimes, you know, I call it the ants, you know, the automatic negative thoughts that are just, you don't ever just see one ant, right? That's true. There's always an army. Yeah. So where there's one, there's a thousand more. So if you can go, wait a second, quickly identify that ant, the one, take care. Take authority over it. Take it captive because otherwise it's going to turn into something so much more. And so we as women, we're so good at that. You know, we're drivers, we're pushers, but mostly of ourselves. You know, there's some that push others. Yeah. And, you know, but mostly of ourselves. And so I think that we perpetuate anxiety and fear in our own lives and we don't allow the peace of God. to come in and to guard our hearts and minds because that's what he wants to do. But we don't let him often. And interesting how you said, you know, with the balls being thrown to us, I'm not really a good catch. I mean, I just don't have good eye-hand coordination. So I was even thinking when you said that, what happens when we drop the ball? Because that can bring the anxiety too. So these are all coming at us with these speeds. And what I love about the Lord is, Even when we drop the ball, I mean, he's there to cover us. Right. I mean, we don't have to have it all together at all times. That's right. Brenda, speak a little bit about so that the anxiety. Yes. With, with young, with the older, with the in-between, I feel like you and I are both the same age right now. And kind of in that, that in between that sandwich generation, we have adult kids, we have aging parents and then it's like, well, we've got these marriages that we need to, be attending to and counseling practice and ministry. Grand babies. Exactly, exactly. I have a grand dog. Grand dog, yeah. But even I thought, wow, I know so much. I've learned so much. Surely I shouldn't be dealing with anxiety anymore. Right, right. That pesky thing just wants to keep coming back in. Yeah. And so let's speak to that a little bit about this age and stage that we're in. Yeah. I mean, anxiety is something that I also thought at this age, you know, and not just anxiety more around my time and, you know, kind of how the pace, the rhythm that I was living in. I thought it would be a lot less right now. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. We don't want to scare anybody who's a little younger than us, but it just keeps going. Yes, it does. It does. It does. But I think that we can get better as well as we get older going, you know, Lord, establish the work of my hands. Right. Where do you want me to be? Where don't you want me to be? How can I release and let go? of what I'm not supposed to carry. And you know, he's so faithful. He sure he'll direct. If you ask, he will answer. He will direct you. Absolutely. And isn't it interesting? We can, we can spot it in somebody else, right? And we almost know the things that to say to others, but then when we're starting to feel that it's like, right, right. There was, there was a verse that we wanted to start out with this one here. I'd be anxious for nothing, but in Everything with prayer and petition, make your request known to the Lord. But there was another verse that had really spoke to your heart about the anxiety as well. Yeah, I love this. This is from the Message Bible. It's Matthew 11, 28. It says, Are you tired, worn out, burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me. Watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly. Oh, Brenda, that's beautiful. God's word is. His word is beautiful. And I think, okay, even though I'm not a good dancer in the natural, you know, he's teaching us and he's taking the lead. Yeah. Right. We don't have to be the ones leading this dance and this unborn rhythm of grace. Grace doesn't come naturally to us, but it is absolutely 100% who Jesus is. Peace. Yes. All of those things. And so when we take his, allow him to lead, there's a beauty in that. There really is. And that is the exact opposite of anxiety. You know, the peace and the rhythm that you're kind of describing is the opposite of anxiety and fear. So that's where we want to move to. And really, when we're taking his yoke on us and when we're dancing with him, we can't hold all the balls, can we? Nope. And we don't have to worry about what's coming because we're resting in him. When we first started out, I loved picturing you in the car. I don't know what kind of car you are. I was going to say minivan. That was many, many years ago. But picturing you in the car and how the Lord, you had to stop. Yep. You had to do some things. Let's talk about some practical steps when we're dealing with, we've talked a lot about stuff, dealing with anxiety. What are some practical takeaways for our audience today? Yeah. I think one of the first steps that I would tell anybody to do and that I do is to try to breathe through it to get control over my body. My body is screaming and my brain is turned on saying, ah, you know, fight or flight, you know? And so, so you, you get in that mode and you're, I mean, you're panicking. And when you're panicking, you're not taking deep breaths. No, you're not. No, you're not. And you can't really panic when you're taking deep breaths. That's good. So stopping and deep breaths, cleansing breaths in through the nose, out through the mouth. low, you know, a series of those and kind of get control over your body first, first off. And then the second thing that I moved to that day, at least, and, you know, Carrie, there's a variety of different things. techniques and there's no hard and fast there are not that it starts with breath yes amen that's right so formulas are good but there's many different formulas and what works for some of my clients don't work for others i and i see it just we're all unique and individual but the second thing is identifying what am i really feeling or thinking why am i feeling this anxiety And that's so good because if we don't identify it, we actually don't know how to pray. Right. And whatever we've identified, let's then hand that off to the Lord in prayer. Yeah. And we talked about how prayer doesn't have to be this beautiful, eloquent. I mean, I'll be honest with you. Sometimes my prayers are more like just through tears. Like, yes. Lord, why is this happening? What is going on? Help me. Lord, help me. Help me. Jesus. Jesus. Sometimes that's it. I just call on the name of the Lord and know that he is my help. Yes. But, you know, it doesn't change the experience that I'm in in that moment. Absolutely. You know, so you're right. I love that. Breathe. Breathe. Identify. Yes, identify. Where that root of anxiety is coming from. Yes. And then give it to the Lord in prayer. Yeah. And then we talked about gratitude. That's something that we can maybe once we've dropped that in prayer. Okay. So almost that refreshing to go, what can I be thankful for? Yep. Yep. Yeah. And I think, I think, Giving it over in prayer is also what I would say in someone who doesn't pray. I would tell them, dump it out. Yes. You've got to dump it out somewhere. You've got to or else it remains there. That's how you let it go, dumping it out and sometimes writing. Mm-hmm. You know, journaling, writing, you know, whatever you need to. And I mean, sometimes throwing it away, releasing it in that kind of way. But yeah. Yeah. And one thing I always love to end on God's word. Yes. Psalms. David in the Psalms. Boy, you read some of those and it is like, my God, you have forsaken me. Where are you? Where are you? Do you hear me? Are you going to act how long, O Lord? And he gets that out. But then he ends with usually gratitude. Yes, yes, absolutely. Of who the Lord is. Absolutely. What a great place to be in gratitude. Yeah, beautiful. Beautiful.