EP 76 Who Are You, Really? Creating Your Identity - Brenda Black

As women of God, we need to learn how to shake off trauma, shake off like every day and reset in the arms of God. I need a quicker recovery rate when something happens because something is going to happen. It's happened, it's going to happen or it will happen inevitably. So how can I reset and recover and make sure that then I am coming back to the truth of how does God define me? I have with me today on this great episode, Carrie Kinninger and Brenda Black. Welcome. Thank you. It's so fun to be here. It is so fun to be here. And Brenda, we just want to get right down to it because you have such a heart of gold and so much to say. But what is the number one theme with women that you see coming through your counseling office? That's a loaded question. I know. Because there are so many issues. But, you know, Carrie, the thing that I have noticed is that the enemy doesn't have any new tricks. It's the same thing from the beginning of time, Genesis 3.1, when he came to Eve and said... You know, did God really say, did he really say and brought that doubt and really began to get, have her question God's promises, you know, question, you know, did what, what, what has God said to me and who am I really is, is really the root question and issue. And it's an issue of identity. Yes. Who are we really? Yeah. Right. So that's what I find women struggling with on every level, whether they're in middle school or, you know, 60s, 70s, 80s. It's still the issue of who am I? 50s never goes away. It doesn't. That's right. Or do you think is it something, too, that we never identified it early on in life? No. Or are we going through a season? Is it repetitive that we never got solidified when we were younger? I'm curious. Yeah, I think it can be both of those things. But absolutely, often there's root issues that come from formation, our familial systems. Right. And in that, for me, and I adore my mother, but as a little girl, she was always on a always struggling with how she felt about herself, how she looked. I saw that. I felt that. I began as a little girl also struggling with just my image, the image of myself. And the number one wish, this is statistical, the number one wish of girls age seven, seven-year-old girls, is guess what? The number one wish, to be thinner. Okay. Really? Oh, at seven years old. That's so hard. You haven't even had a priest. I know. That's reputing. I know. You haven't even arrived. So, you know, the enemy tries in the very beginning. So, yes, it does go all the way back. He's going to do everything he can to cause us to grab on. And, you know, the longer you're walking the lie, the more normal it is to you. So the roots get deeper. And so it's harder sometimes to... pull those roots out and to get free. So the enemy absolutely wants to start from the very beginning when we're little, but then things are reinforced obviously as we move into adulthood and, you know, life is not what I thought it would be. Um, you know, my dream of this just, I mean, it just isn't that way. There's a lot of disappointment, a lot of disillusionment. So, um, Yeah, it's interesting. Brenda, if we don't know our identity at any given point, like how can you even today encourage whatever age? Because we know we're in a different age bracket. I already mentioned it. Yeah. We're in the 50s. We're holding it. We're staying there. Yeah. But how can we help even ourselves with our children even now? How do we stop what you just said? Like if you saw it in your mother, you know, your children still can emulate. Yeah. Even at this age, you can emulate something that we're doing today, right? Without a doubt. So I just told Carrie before this, we were chit-chatting. And Cheryl, I told her that I was with my daughter who's 24 and her boyfriend and, And I guess I made a derogatory comment about myself. Wasn't even really aware of it. And he looked at her, my daughter, and said, Oh, now I see where you got it from. I was like, ooh. Yeah. So, you know, we do, we perpetuate those lies and that doubt of who we are in our children. I mean, that can continue until we're willing to look at it in the, and I have been, but I'm still, I'm still needing to, you know, and address it and ask God to to pull the root out and, and make us whole. And do you find that, uh, and I'm just, I'm not the expert here, but that identity and comparison, because how do we, like, even as a seven year old, I'm thinking, how do they know that this is not the way I want to look? Right. So does that comparison start that early? Yeah. Well, yes, I believe it does. Social media has been one of the number one targets that the enemy has used. And, you know, most kids, I mean, they're on a screen at the age of three, four, five. If not younger. It's true. So, yeah, I believe that. Absolutely. So are you telling us then, Brenda, if... if they're struggling even at seven, are you encouraging the children or young people to not be on social media as much or limited if it's causing more of a problem for them? Yeah, I think that that's great wisdom. And I'm not an expert in social media either necessarily, but I think moms need to really become aware at what our children are struggling with and then look at the triggers, the things that are... I guess, enhancing or reinforcing the lies of the enemy. And so, yeah, if it's social media, if it has to do with identity and image of self and, you know, little girls at, you know, six and seven going on diets, then we need to pull back. We need to become aware and be more proactive. And, you know, I really do. I feel this in my own life right now that the darkness is getting darker. Yeah. And it is forcing, it should force a separation that the lightness is going to get lighter, that we can't commingle anymore. That there does need to be just a difference in how women of God live and act and behave. And it is time, I mean, for me in my own life, yeah, to walk in my identity of who I am in Christ. Because as long as the enemy can keep me in doubt and disbelief and questioning myself and feeling insecure, he can keep me out of purpose. He can keep me out of the assignments that God has for me and the anointing that God has for me to walk in. That's true. And that's what he wants to do. He wants to always help us feel bad about ourselves. That's true. He keeps us down. I think it's keeping us down and distracted. And we get caught in that bad land. And I think that the thing I think as even as friends is, is helping each other is pull each other up where you don't feel the kind of condemnation, you know, cause I, I mean, I've had my boys when you said that, I'm like, Oh yeah, my boys have said that when I, I know, you know, you disqualify yourself. So you're like, okay, I'm going to say the worst thing. So if anybody says anything else, right, then they couldn't be any worse than what I just said. So I think there's, that's in my mind. I think I've done that and I've watched my boys even give me a look of, I'm not happy with that. I'm like, oh, I need to guard my mouth, even from my sons, because I'm also not helping them with their, well, one's a spouse and dating relationships. So how do you think that we as women, what are some things that we can do to spur each other on where we don't feel condemned when we're like... you know, hello, you just, you know, talk down to yourself. Do you realize that? How can you say it in a nice way to help change the dialogue or even like authenticity versus right? Cause we, that's a big word right now too. I want to be authentic. So how are we, uh, as women, how can we be authentic without being self deprecating? Yeah, exactly. So I was just reading or looking over one of Brene Brown's books on authenticity and, one of the keys that she says is you have to practice it. Like, you know, we all want to be authentic, but it's easier not to be. I mean, it really is. And so sometimes we dip our toes in it, but honestly it's something that we have to be proactive and implement consistently. So in other words, for me, am I being honest with how I really feel about myself? Am I telling the truth to myself? And what is the truth that I believe? You know, I mean, challenging that in my own life and like Cheryl, with your sons, you know, with my kids, Carrie, with your kids, when they see us putting ourselves down, that really is a dig on who they are. They're your children. They're a part of our bloodline. And so, you know, I guess understanding the power of my words that don't just affect me, but affect others directly. So how do we get to the truth? So when you're in these counseling sessions with these women or these girls... How do you, when they're being self-deprecating or even authentic, how do you bring them to the truth? Yeah. Yeah. I challenge that with them. I mean, I try to help them come to that place on their own, but I do, I give a lot of homework. And so I'll have them identify what is it that you begin to say to yourself? What are you thinking and what are you feeling? It's like a triangle because it always leads to behavior. So all behavior is purposeful. Sometimes we're like, well, I didn't really mean to do that. Yeah, you did. You did. Whether you understand that or not, all behavior is purposeful. So I really have them stop and challenge their thought process. And connect it. Some people are thankers, you know, more easily thankers. Others are feelers. So for me, I tend to be more of a feeler. So I know how I feel, but I have to connect it to my thoughts. So what are the thoughts that are reinforcing those feelings? So if I'm feeling insecure. Right. You know, what are the thoughts attached to that insecure feeling? And if I can really drill down into that and come to understanding and bring it before the Lord and let him, you know, reveal to me some of the roots. Oh, when you were 10, that's what was spoken and it grabbed onto you or you grabbed onto it or the enemy has been reinforcing this and, you know, these various ways. then that's where I start to identify the lies so I can replace them with the truth. And we know the truth is what the Lord says about us. You know, what he declares over our lives as women of God, as his daughters, righteous, you know, not perfect, will never be perfect, but complete in him. So, and do you find, I know for me, you know, Maybe we're in the word and we're getting that truth. And it's even hard, even when we're in the truth. So I think probably with some of these younger, the younger generation, we didn't have social media at that age. So for them to have just this steady diet of it, not just social media, TV, I mean, whatever it would be. I mean, boy, when I grew up, we had a small little black and white TV, right? So, but even the, like you said, the enemy has nothing new. So there were still the lies then, but I think now, like you said, the dark is getting darker, but the light. And so bringing them to the light of his truth is so powerful. Yeah. Yes, it is. Because it's the truth that sets us free. It's his truth that sets us free. Not the truth that we think, you know, the smorgasbord of I'll grab this and this and this. And this is my truth. Right. but we know it's the truth of God that sets us free. Okay, so I'm going to be like a devil's advocate here. Okay, bring it on. My homework, I'm like, okay, I can identify. I feel like da-da-da-da. I won't give all my business out. But even when you identify it, It's your truth, right? It's your reality. It is. At our age, we have a pattern now. We have a pattern of our thinking. And I mean, we have found over the last decade of doing eye refresh is really staying in the word and watching how sometimes all of a sudden a verse comes across. And it's like, I feel like it's like laser focus. Like the Holy Spirit brings it to me to help me to know. that's what he thinks of me. And it begins to help me. If he can think this way, I am curious about how we can help one another as sisters in Christ. You know, a community is how do we change our dialogue and our thinking process and have declarations in our life that will literally change how we think and feel. Well, I will tell you this. If you're with me, if you spend a lot of time with me, you're probably going to hear me say something negative about myself. Right. unfortunately, you know, like, oh man, these thunder thighs or, you know, something like along that line. I hear you. And, you know, I want to give you permission to tell me, hey, you look amazing. Or what are you talking about? You know, you daughter of God. And that strengthens and encourages the truth in my life that I want to learn how to walk in. That's so good. Yeah. An example that I had tried to implement years ago, and I still try to. So someone tries to hand you a flower. Are you going to take it? Absolutely. Absolutely. Why would you not? Right. And, and so what I want to encourage us all to do is learn how to hand flowers out, but then personally gather those flowers, put them on a vase by my bed at night and go look at the beauty. Look at who I really am. Come on, Brenda, you know, challenge that. I like that. Who doesn't like flowers? Who doesn't love flowers? Love it. God's truth. Yeah. apply to all of us, whether we're activating, you know, our belief system in him or not, you know, his truths work, you know, somebody who's a giver and tithes and doesn't know Jesus, but just does that practice. You see the blessing of finances on their life. Same thing with someone who really walks in a place of, uh, believing, you know, that they're, they're mighty. They might not know that mightiness comes from, you know, I'm mighty, you know, in the power of the but they walk in a place of confidence because they just, they, they release that, those principles. And that's, what's really challenging. I'm kind of getting off on a tangent here, but it's challenging that women of God struggle so much more so than maybe people in the world at times other, you know, with our identity. And do you think it's because the enemy knows that he has something to steal? from us because if we if we got that right that is so right know the truth in our ID when we ask the Lord to take up residence within us we are marked we are his and so so the enemy like he has no new tricks so what he is always trying to do is it's almost like those identity theft commercials you know where it's like the old lady but it's like this man's voice or something right I think that's what it is yeah he is he is He comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Yes, yes. And so if he doesn't have anything to steal from somebody who's not marked by the Lord. So maybe that's a little bit of how that works. I don't know. I think that is spot on because we are a threat. Yes. And he knows, the enemy knows it. We have what he wants. Right. We have it. Right. So if he can get us to not believe that or not see it and walk in a way in an awareness of who we are in Christ, he's one. Here's the thing. I'm not ever going to turn away from my my salvation. Right. Right. But I certainly can feel defeated, worn down, exhausted, lied to, believing the lies, overcome in depression, whatever, where I'm not active and in the game. I'm on the sidelines. And the enemy, that's really what he wants to do. He wants to just kind of... Put us over there. So we're not a threat. Okay. So wrapping this up, how then we've, we've talked about how maybe you would interact with an unbeliever. So, you know, with a believer, what would be those takeaways for us as women of God? Yeah. struggling in our identity, feeling defeated or discouraged on the sidelines. What would be some takeaways for us? You know, I would say one thing. I think that women of God need to learn how to shake off the doubt, shake off the lies, shake off the discouragement and, and get really active with it, like literally physically shake it off. Shake it off, you know, because, and I could go into a whole neurological thing of what happens, why if an animal is going to be attacked, you know, maybe to be eaten, you know, so I don't know, a tiger's after a little... What would it? Rodent. Rodent. After a rodent. Well, a dog. Let's say a dog. Let's say a dog. And going after the dog and the dog escapes, it's going to go into hiding and it's going to shake. And it resets its whole neurological system so that it's like the trauma to release the trauma so it's okay to proceed, to move ahead. And so honestly, as women of God, we need to learn how to shake off trauma, shake off like every day and reset in the arms of God. reset every, you know, I'm like, how can I recover? I need a quicker recovery rate when something happens because something is going to happen. It's happened. It's going to happen or it will happen inevitably. So how can I reset and recover and make sure that then I am coming back to the truth of how does God define me? That's good. A declaration is a great thing to write out. Yeah. I've got examples of them. That'd be great. I have one. Yeah. But I, I honestly, um, read it. Over myself, and I've rewritten it numerous times based on the season I'm in. The season you're in, right. Yeah, and I put it on my mirror. I read, I declare the truth of what God says about me. I say it out loud. I pray it. I declare it. Whether I feel it, it's not about feeling. And so that's a... And Brenda, that's really biblical because even Jesus, when he was tempted in the wilderness by the enemy, there was what he did is he declared God's word out loud. And there's something powerful, like you said, about about actually activating that, shaking that off, but speaking something out. So I love that we're ending in declaration. Well, you know, I think that's what the power of God's word when you're talking about it. And, you know, I'd love for you to even read a couple of those and what you are declaring because we see it in the word. But we're exchanging our old thoughts, our old thinking, and we're putting into action. We really do have to understand the power of our words. I've even challenged God sometimes. I'm like, I don't know if you're paying attention. So I'm just going to say blah, blah, blah. And I'm like. Oh, he so was paying attention. I'm like, I'm just testing you. The power of your words. Let's hear the power of these words. You bet. This one actually came from a book called The Search for Significance, which I recommend highly. It's because of Christ's redemption. I am a new creation of infinite worth. I am deeply loved. I am completely forgiven. I am fully pleasing. I am totally accepted by God. I am absolutely complete in Christ. When my performance reflects my new identity in Christ, that reflection is dynamically unique. There has never been another person like me in the history of mankind, nor will there ever be. God has made me an original, one of a kind, a special person. That's awesome. It's beautiful. Really good. Brenda, thank you so much for being a part of this with us today. And Cheryl, thank you for having me as well. Glad to have you. And one of the things that I was gleaning today, there was a lot that I was gleaning, because I think none of us are without need of... knowing who our true identity comes from. So I love that we will have things on iRefresh.net where there's always the truth there. You will always find people to pray with you. You will always find God's word. And there are declarations and scriptures right there at iRefresh.net. So if this really resonated with you, please get on iRefresh.net, check those things out. And we'll also have some show notes for you.