EP 36 Fostering and Adoption as a Single Parent - Kelly Martin

After a decade of gathering women together for prayer, we are inspired to bring our words of encouragement to you. This is iRefresh. Hi, welcome to iRefresh. where we empower ordinary women to do extraordinary things through the power of prayer and God's Word. I am Laura Watson. I'm part of the iRefresh prayer team, and I have with me tonight Cheryl Clare. She's the founder of iRefresh. And we have the privilege of sitting down with our friend Kelly Martin. Cheryl and I have both had the opportunity to have Kelly teach our sons at school. So that was both of them the first point of connection We had a high time to have her as a teacher. I chose her as the teacher Early early in the morning to sign up for Kelly's that is true We were there very early to sign up to get Kelly as the teacher for our kids and I loved having them Yes, so fun. We were blessed to have you as their teacher. So tonight we're kind of discussing and Kelly's journey from fostering to adopting. Yeah, and I think you guys have been there through it all. Yes. Yes, you were. Yeah, right when you began. Daniel? Yes. And Ryan, I think even Justin, yeah. Because you start thinking about it, talk about it when Daniel's in it, and then when David and Ryan were in your class, then that's when the adoption was finalized. Yes, yes. So, yeah, go ahead. Tell us a little bit what led you into that. Yeah, I've always loved children. Obviously, I became a teacher, but even as a young child, I was always around children. When I was, I think, in second or third grade, I taught another child that was younger than me to read. So it's always been on my heart to work with children, be with children. I started teaching in 99 at Victory Christian, and I had my fill of... 22 to 24 kids every day and absolutely loved it. But there had been something deposited in my heart earlier when I was at Bible school that I always had a heart for orphans. And at the time I remember praying and agonizing because I didn't want to go to another country. But God just reminded me that there were children here that needed homes, that needed loving parents because their parents weren't able to provide for them or take care of them at that time. Was there any particular instance or circumstance or a connection that made you say yes to fostering, or was it just kind of an overall something? Well, I think it had been on my heart for a long time, but in 2004, I bought my first home, and I remember sitting in the living room watching TV and an ad came on the television, and I felt like, okay, now it's time. I have a home to provide for somebody, and I wanted to bring peace into somebody's life who might be going through turmoil at the time. So that's when I started and coincidentally, that's the year my daughter, my first foster child and later my adopted daughter was born, the year I got my home and started working on that process. I didn't think about that. I didn't either. I just remember you had a lot happen in that small period of time, small window. But your adopted daughter was not your first foster child. She was. She was. Now I did respite for a weekend, and it was an older child. I had on my heart to foster younger children, and there was a need for an older child so she came to visit for a weekend and i just knew in my heart that that was not the right fit for me i kind of had a twist because i felt so guilty that this child needs a home and i'm really uncomfortable with this But God, you know, reminded me, I don't lead with a twisted stomach and not in your stomach, but I lead you with peace. Very good. So then I had to call and say, okay, this is really what I need and what, you know, is on my heart is to have a child that is younger. Which is really a good point though for those that are listening that are even considering fostering. Is there's probably because the demand and the need is so great that I mean I've heard that from other people is you kind of almost feel guilty if you don't take them all in but there's No, and you can't be led by a need, but God puts that on your heart for a reason because He knows the children that are going to be placed in your home. That's so good. So I switched agencies to an agency that had younger children. And so the following November I got my first foster child, which was my daughter now, Nevaeh. And now how old was she when you... So she was just turned a year. So her birthday is in October, and I got her November 8th. Okay. So, yes. And then you... So I'm teaching, and I next day, you know, had arranged daycare. So she goes to daycare the other day. One of our good friends at work just prayed for me right before I was going to get her that she would just fit in to my routine, just her sleep habits and everything. And that's exactly what happened. I mean... she went to bed in an early hour which was me and she got up you know. God knows. Absolutely. And as a single parent I had to get to work you know. Now see now that's the really key too is like you made that choice knowing you're going in on this with no backup plan. Like I mean no backup and somebody help you through. No backup in the home. Yeah, in the immediate home. But you have a loving family. I absolutely do. You have like the best family ever. I know them. So you have a very good support system. Absolutely. I'm assuming they were very pivotal in your transition. Yes, very supportive when I got her and everybody came to the house and the first day I had her and even my niece and nephew would come and fight over her. She was well loved and accepted right from the beginning. But again, I had to work and I know, okay, I have to pay the bills, so I'm going to have to take her to daycare, which was hard. We had one long weekend. I don't know if it was Thanksgiving or Veterans Day or something in there where we got to bond a little bit. And I brought her back and I remember her just staring at me like, what? What? What are you doing? You're leaving me again? You're leaving me again? And I cried all the way to work. That had to be tough for her because how can they communicate and said, I thought you were going to be with me. And then you're dropping off again. And she's a year old. And at that time, she looked like nine months, not talking, not walking. Oh, I didn't realize that. Okay. So she... So she had a lot of her major developmental stages with you, her milestones where you got to experience those with her. But I knew or I felt like I thought it was temporary that she'd be there for a season and prepared my heart for that and, you know, As you foster, you visit with the family. So we visited, I think, just one time though with her grandparent. But she also had siblings in the system, so that was part of the process is going to visit and meet with them, keeping them connected, and we did that. for quite a while until they were later adopted by their, I think, maternal grandmother. Okay. I remember that. So I remember when I would, kind of almost challenging you, because I'm like, how can you have this precious baby that you start to get attached to day after day? The whole idea, I mean, you... Of giving her back. Right, there's a possibility. There's a possibility. Yes. And I can't, I mean, I just remember thinking back then is how do you... How are you gonna release that child? Yeah, your heart is so... I don't think I knew at the time how I was going to do it, but the grace of God in my mindset was, this is a temporary situation. I'm helping them through a time of turmoil and getting to a place of peace. And when she can go back into a peaceful, safe home, then I felt like I'd be ready to. That didn't happen. I'm kind of curious too. I don't know if you know. Okay, some people maybe just choose to stay in the fosterings, just to foster children. I mean, was that in your mindset that you... I really thought I was going to foster. I did not. So adoption was not something you... No, I didn't plan. When you went into the process of, okay, I'll foster, and then if it becomes a possibility, then I'll adopt you. I just felt like as a single parent, I didn't even know, you know, that was really available to me. I just thought, okay, this is what I'm going to do. This is what I have to do. And then after I had her for about a year, her parents' rights were terminated, and they asked me since she had been in my home. Because she was from, that was her home. That was really her home. Yes, because she was. That was her stability. Yes. So they asked me if I would be interested in adopting, and of course I was like, yes. And I remember at the time thinking, because again as a single, I was like 35, 36, and I thought, okay, I'm, okay with not getting married, and I think I remember having this conversation with you, but the thought of not being a mom really made me sad. It bothered me. That bothered you more than not being married. I always remember that not being a mom bothered you way more than the idea of not being married. But I think if you, and especially if you know Kelly, is watching how she always loved on our kids. I mean, that was the precious thing is they were learning not just the basics in a first grade class, but it was that communion you were having with these children, the reinforcement of not just knowledge, but that loving way that you would correct them if they needed it, just making them better. Like, I feel like, that nurturing that was already in you, that you were doing it for so many other kids, it's like God now gave you the opportunity to be all in with Nevaeh. And it blessed me, you know, to be able to keep them and bring them home, not have to send them home at 3 o'clock. Not have to send them, yeah. Well, and I do have to say, I think the thing that my kids so much enjoyed with having you as a part of their life was they truly felt you were genuine. Like, just... you know, the love that you had towards them, just the desire to see them do well and to prosper, you were always, it was truly from the heart and they truly, I think all the kids felt that and it's like each, even though you had 20 in your class, each one of them felt special. Felt special, like I remember somebody saying, I'm Mrs. Martin's favorite and I was like, You did that really well. Yeah, so I'm glad they felt that way. Oh, thank you. And you did. So I just remember when you did get Nevaeh, and I just remember meeting Nevaeh and just... And bring her in. The kids would be... They were so excited. They were so excited. What a great thing, though, for them to learn what it was, because you were talking about the process. You were talking about the potential before, you know, when you were going to bring her home. Yes. And then the possibility that you... You weren't holding tight to her in case. But then by my second child, then you had the opportunity. I got to keep her. And they were excited. Yeah, so excited. Because I think for them, they felt like, oh, she has to leave, you know. Yes. Yes. and how hard that would be, but they were excited when I got to keep her. And I think the thing I noticed with you when you were fostering Nevaeh during that period was, we talked about, you know, you're just kind of holding to where it's like, okay, there's a possibility that she can transition. But you never saw it in your actions, like your interactions with her, your relationship with her, the love you showed toward her. Yes, I loved her. There was never any difference. It was always like you treated her as if she was always going to be with you. Yeah, and I think that's important because if you have a child coming into your heart, they want to feel, or your home, want to feel a part of your family, want to feel like they belong. And that was a natural thing because I love children. Yeah. Well, not only did you have her, but you had other ones. So tell us even about that. Like what would make you choose once you were in that process? Did you have, I know it's another one. I'm not sure, there's a lot of names. I'm trying to protect, sometimes I know things for privacy. But when you started having, or considering another one, didn't you have a conversation? With Nevaeh, I think Nevaeh, we froze my home for a little while so that we could get used to I don't know, the permanency and... I don't know if it was different because I wanted... one child at a time because I felt like that's what I could handle. But she voiced, I think, wanting to have a younger child or a sibling in the home and one that would stay with us. So I opened up my home again, and then we got two-month-old, and I think it was October or November of the year that I adopted her in 2008. And we had Jasmine for about 10 months. I remember her. I remember her. She was so sweet. And so that was like the hardest thing. But that, okay, but that didn't go the same way. Right. That had a different ending. But now, I mean, for you as an adult, we know how to process grief and loss. But now, how did you communicate that with Nevaeh? That had to be like hard to understand. Fortunately, because she was younger. I think kids are resilient. I don't remember conversations we had except that she had to go back. And my sister took me away for the weekend, the weekend that I did bring her back because I cried. And Nevaeh spent some time with my mom. Um, Fortunately, like two weeks after we gave her back, because her grandparents were fostering to adopt, the grandmother called me and said, would you like to have her this weekend? So pretty much we got her almost every weekend for the first time. I remember you in our couple of years, and we still have that interaction with her. So I think it was easier because Nevaeh would be busy at school or daycare all day. And then on the weekends, we would get her... and spend time with her. She still had that connection to Jasmine. So it was a different normal, but she didn't know any different. Right. That's true. She didn't know any different. She was still in her life, and she knew she was going to spend time with her grandparents, and she was busy about her day. But then you got another one. So fast forward, what is it? Five years later? In 2013, it was actually my second foster daughter's biological sister that came into the system, and the parents needed to finish court-mandated classes and to show stability in the home and a safe environment. At that time, my home was closed, but they asked me would I consider opening and fostering. the baby, you know, said. And don't you love how the Lord used... Well... Yeah. But the Lord used that connection that you had... Yes. With Jasmine to open the door for this one. Yeah. And again, I thought it was a temporary situation. Okay, you did. And I did talk with Nevaeh because now she was older. She was like in third grade. And I said, okay, listen, this is the situation. Are you wanting to do this? You know, she was younger, so we can't do... many things are the same things that we used to and she was like yes yes and you know the first night we got her she was probably like yes she wanted to keep her you know of course and i was like this is temporary this is for a little while you have to prepare yourself because you know there's a possibility well and that's i didn't even think it was a possibility i was like this is what's happening you know okay So, but you know, fast forward a year and a half later, things kind of fell apart, life happened, the rollercoaster of fostering, and the parents weren't able to finish their court mandated stuff so they asked um they they did not meet the requirements that were set by the court in order to get her back into custody. After a year the mom was kind of out of the picture the dad was still trying after the second year. I think she turned to. They were both kind of out of the picture. We had some visits still and kept in touch, but that's when I knew, okay, Lord, I've got to start praying differently if she's going to stay in the home. And I felt like at that time she would. I remember one time praying at school. We had a morning worship service, and I was like, okay, God, I need to know how to pray because I want God's will and purpose and her to be in the right place and our home to be... you know having the right people in it and he showed me a picture of the judge kind of Doing the gavel doing the gavel declaring us a family So I had experienced that with Nevaeh and so then I knew okay I know how to pray now because there are you know many obstacles that came. There's a lot to the process There's a lot to getting that into place. The dynamic you saw the father Still in and out you didn't everything was still not a hundred percent Right, right, at that time. Which is a lot of trusting God through that. Absolutely. Like daily. And praying for his plan and purpose and for him to make a way when there seemed no way. She also was Native American and I was not. So typically they do not allow a hindrance. Oh, so if there's Indian in them. So typically you're not allowed unless you have Indian in you to adopt. Really? I didn't know that. Okay. There's, it's amazing the stipulations that are on some of the cases. Because they want them to be in the home. You know, they want to treasure and keep that heritage. But at this time, she had been in my home for two years, and her parents knew they could not get her back, and they wanted her to stay with me. Oh, see. So I went before the judge and asked, you know, okay, this is the situation. She's been with me this long and petitioned. and they granted it and the Cherokee Nation also granted it and said that she could stay. Now does that help? There's stipulations. I'm curious because now that you're going into the process of that, she has the Indian benefits, I guess, right? Yes. So she's able to take... From what I understand, with fostering, you do have some assistance. Stipend, yes, absolutely. And even into adoption in some cases, in many cases, they continue to receive a stipend until they're 18. Oh, really? Okay. Yeah. So there are benefits. You know, some people... I've heard, you know, they're in it for the money or whatever. I don't even see how that could be possible because children cost a lot more than... It is not that cheap when you raise a child. You can't pay enough for all the things that they needed to have done. That doesn't cover the sports, doesn't cover everything else. But medicals covered, so that was a blessing. That helped out a lot. That's very much a blessing. And then her tuition, both their tuition should be covered in an in-state college. So there are things that help. And again, as a single parent, it really helped me financially. Right. Because you're here, you're a teacher and single and trying to raise now two kids. That is a walk of faith. Yeah. Absolutely, but that's what life is too. But God's provision is, but you're creative because you do tutoring. But still that means more time away from your children. So there's got to be that balance. Oh, absolutely, where you feel like you're... what is that? Trader of many trades, but master of none. What advice would you give someone who's maybe considering fostering or adopting? I think just if they feel a tug on their heart, then start seeking it out, start taking those steps, talk to people, because there are so many people. Oh, that's a great idea. I don't think you should be moved by people's stories because every story is different and it's not always an easy journey. But I believe the rewards are huge. The benefits far outweigh the cons. The cons or the, yeah, any cons. Absolutely, I cannot imagine not having those girls in my life, I'm so thankful. And I love what you said about not being emotionally led by other people's stories or by other people's experiences and testimonies. But knowing that you're led by the Lord and that that is something you should do. Because I think of what I've seen you as you've kind of walked it out is you were called to do that. And so I think because you picked up that calling and went with it, just how we've been able over the years just to see the things the Lord has put into place. And the things the Lord has orchestrated and the things that he has worked out. Absolutely, his grace is there and his anointing is there and he's gonna equip you just like he does for any walk that you're going through. Well, it's definitely, I mean, I know my sons and I, we got to go to the first adoption, which was so cool to go to the courtroom and then be a part of seeing the miracle of God. Because, you know, when you think about when God put at the seed of the thought in your mind and the desire to be a mom and desire to bring in and love a child. to be able to be a part of the celebration. I mean, what a amazing, like, and I'm grateful even more that my boys get to do it alongside. To watch from the beginning and to see, like, great things can happen when you, you know, when you do go from the fostering to the adoption. Absolutely. And I think as a parent, too, it happens naturally, but when you stand before a judge and he declares, like, you are the parent, you are the responsible, you have the rights, the privileges, the responsibilities of all parents, you know. That was huge. That would be huge to say you're truly a parent. She is now yours. She is mine. There's no possibility of transitioning out or no possibility of change. This is a final. Yes. So it is finished. It is a final decision. And an amazing kid. You know, the thing is funny, though, then is, you know, as a teacher... You know, it's different when you discipline them in the classroom. Yes. And then when outside, when you're disciplining your own children. They're not always listening and doing what they're supposed to be doing. They don't obey, like the ones in school, I'm sure. And there's that emotional tug. Yeah. Right? Yeah. So what I would think, though, as we kind of bring it to a closure of, what do you think that would be helpful to our listeners that have thought about it? Maybe the Lord's put something in their heart. or they're like, no, no, no, it's not for me. What would you think that would inspire them to maybe follow through with that heart tug? I think just start taking the steps. There are so many agencies kind of look in and talk to different people or different agencies and hear what they're about. I think that would help. Okay, that's great. And, you know, the other things, too, is if you even have some questions that you would love to even reach out to Kelly about, we will be posting these podcasts and the videos, and they'll be connected through our website at iRefresh.net. And we would love, even on our Facebook, if you would allow us to jot down the questions. We'll make sure that Kelly gets a hold of in responding to your questions. Because there is so many incredible stories. I think we could take another, you know, segment. I'm just seeing the battles of up and down. just like a parent and any kid, right? Absolutely, yes. So I think it would be great. There are so many resources out there, too. I want to tell people that as they walk through it, there are resources and there are people that can help them. And whatever agency you're with will make those resources available to you and talk to people about their experience and find out what they did and what they've used. Because I think having people around you and... resources and talking to others is huge. You're not doing it alone, even though you're a single parent or you're a married family, you've got to reach out to others. And we all need help. Yes, absolutely. Well, thank you so much for sharing with us today. It's as always, it's inspiring and encouraging and we love to hear it. It just, It's just truly a pleasure. A lot of fun. Glad to be here. Make sure you connect with us on our website, irrefresh.net. We are also on social media. And our videos are available through YouTube channel. And our podcasts are available on any podcast platform. Make sure you subscribe so that you will receive notification when we have new content. Because we'd love to share it with you. And we'd love for you to become a part. Until next time, go change the world.