EP 28 How to be a Friend to a Chronically Ill Friend

After a decade of gathering women together for prayer, we are inspired to bring our words of encouragement to you. This is iRefresh. Welcome to iRefresh, to another episode with my friend, Carrie Lyons. Hi, nice to be back. Yeah, so episode 15, we were talking about Lyme disease and just dealing with a chronic illness and what it would be like is as a family member and a friend, and what happened during our dialogue then? Well, I said, you know, if we're going to talk about friendships and chronic illness, we probably need to do a whole other podcast. So I'm back. So I'm glad because this is just so I can learn how to do life better as a friend. Not only with Carrie, but I think it's something that we all maybe don't understand, don't know what we can do. And yet we want to be the right kind of friend and even a family member. What can we do in the stages of a chronic illness that is ongoing? And so I wanted Carrie just to help us from her experiences. It's something that we can take away and really take it back and make a difference in our loved ones. Yeah, I mean, I have a lot of people come to me and ask, you know, how can I help this friend? I know you've been through something hard. You know, what can I say? What can I do? And so even though I don't have expertise in this, but I do have experience in having the tough time of chronic illness. So I tried to come up with a few points that might give some guidance and some knowledge to people so that they can help their friends. Because reaching out is a holy act. And Jesus said, you know, love your Lord, your God, and love your neighbor as yourself. And this is about loving your neighbor and being the hands and feet of Jesus. And I just love that verse in Ecclesiastes that talks about two are better than one, for if one falls down, the other can help them up. And that's what we're trying to do with people who are experiencing chronic illness. And that's so important because I think we all want to do it. We just don't know what we're supposed to do to do it well and not offend or hurt or whatever. Or be too intrusive. Right. You don't want to invade someone's space. But yet you want to be present with them to help if you can. And, of course, there might be others who may not want that. But this is for the people who really want to do life well with friends and family. Right. Yeah, and this is from my viewpoint. So this is not everybody's take, but from what people did to me that felt good and what people said that may have not gone over that great, this is kind of the synopsis of all of that. We can learn from the errors. We all learn from our mistakes, right? Yes, exactly. So what can we do? So I would say there's about five things you can do, and the main thing is to be present. So people ask, what can I say or do? I would say just be. Be with your friend. be there beside them because they're going through a dark time and they're probably dwelling in a cave right now. And so what you need to do, you don't need to stay there, but you need to crawl into that cave for a short period of time and sit with them. So I don't know if you remember the boys in Thailand that got stuck in the cave, but you need to be the initial cave rescuer that goes down. So what they do is they make the hole big enough or they get back far enough in the cave to reach the people that are trapped, and they send immediately a person in to go and be with them and to tell them that everything's going to be okay and to calm everyone down. And that's what you need to do for your friend who's experiencing chronic illness. You know, another thing, and I wore my military jacket on purpose today. But, you know, the military has a theme of, you know, leave no man behind. They will go after people missing in action. They will even go after the bones of prisoners of war. Yes. So that's what you need to do with your friend because this is going to be a long journey and you need to make sure that you stick with them until the end and that you're there for them. And what a powerful tool, though, that we can understand that they actually want us to be there. You know, because sometimes you might when someone's not feeling good and if you had a conversation with your friend and you felt pushed off potentially because it might have been one of those really painful situations. irritating no sleep more pain that there might be days where they may not react or they may react to us but that doesn't mean that they don't want us to be there and so I think those are good nuggets for us to remember no matter what the friend is doing or family members doing is deep down inside they want us to be there with them yeah they want to hear from you you know what you're not alone I'm here with you I'm going to help fight with you right so And then I guess once you're present, then you really need to be a brave listener. And what I mean by brave listening is seek to understand their situation. Find what's their perspective on life right now. So I had a friend come to me and sit down at my table and say, hey, what does a day in your life look like right now? I really want to understand what you're going through. And that meant the world to me. What a powerful question, though. Yeah, it was great. And then she just sat there and listened. And then the important thing is that she didn't shoot little scriptures at me or try to solve my problem because it's really not her problem to fix. And you didn't ask for it. No, and I didn't want solutions. I just wanted to be heard. And she just said, I'm sorry. That sounds like it's a really rough time. Now, I'll have to say, I have not been one of those friends. Sometimes, you know, I think that there is a part of us we want to relate to everybody and everything. But, you know, one of the things I think I'm taking away is something I want to myself is don't feel like I have to have another story to relate to what the other person is going through. Right. And I think that's a great point. So to be brave as a listener and be present helps us to realize I don't have to give a cliche. I don't have to give a scripture. I can just be. Yeah, and sometimes all you have to do is mourn with them and cry with them. You don't even have to, you know, pray for them. I mean, you can pray for them. Which is scriptural. Yeah. So instead of throwing out a scripture is be the scripture. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. So actions speak louder than words, I think. I agree. And then I would say, you know, if you're being present with them and you're listening bravely, you need to love unconditionally. Because at this point in their life, they're not going to be a good friend to you. So just lower your expectations. It's not going to be a 50-50 friendship because they're going to be exhausted probably mentally, physically, emotionally. And they're just not going to be there for you. But you still need to be there for them. So I would. So that sounds like to me, and I think that's where the transition is of learning how to love unconditionally with not the expectations, what you're saying as well. Right. And I would I would just ask the Lord, you know, Holy Spirit, tell me how I can be a friend to this person. You know, like I prayed that about a friend one time and the Lord just said, you know what? Love without judgment. And so that's been my theme. Love without judgment, you know, for that particular friend. So let the Lord speak to you and listen. That's great. Yeah, because he knows their needs better than you do. The Holy Spirit is so good to help us, though. And I think that's the thing that we can take away here is being so sensitive to what the Holy Spirit wants us to do at any given time. Because sometimes we need someone to cheer us on and just be goofy. Like, I enjoy being goofy because you might just need a joy one day. And if I come in and just bring the energy, that could be there. But it's being sensitive to know what you may need that particular day. Well, I mean, you talk about cheering them on. The next point would be to encourage them. So they're in a fight for their life. So if you think of this as a boxing ring, while they're in there fighting their illness, trying to get better, you're going to be the coach in the corner. You're going to be the guy that says, hey, you're doing great. You're going to win this battle. You know, God's got you. I'm really proud of you for fighting so hard. Oh, that's powerful. You know, because they're really trying. And so to encourage them in that is really helpful. No, that's one thing I've learned, though, before, too. Sometimes somebody will come into my mind, and for whatever reason, I will feel like I'm supposed to text them something. And it may be the most random thing. I know that my sister does that, too. She'll send, like, a song. A song comes on, and she's like, I'm supposed to share that with someone. And you just don't know if that is the nugget they always need. They need it for that day, that moment. And so often I'll hear back, like, Your timing and when you did that was so what I needed that day. And you're like, oh, I didn't know that. I'm like, thank you, God. Because I just thought, oh, it's just a funny thought or just a, hey, I'm praying. And if you need something. Yeah, it's never going to hurt to go ahead and send that text because I had a friend who said, you know, there was probably five or six times that you were on my heart. And the Holy Spirit was speaking to me, and I didn't follow through, and I'm really sorry. Wow. So I would just say be sure and follow through on those things, and you're never going to hurt someone's feeling by sending them encouraging texts. It's true. It's never a wrong thing. We can't go wrong, which is encouraging. It's like a text is key. If you don't text, there's other ways of communicating. Right. It's still good, too. Yeah, I like that. You know what's so funny, though, is I still do that, and I'm amazed on the other end when people are like, wow, you know how to write letters. And my husband's like, you are a great letter writer. I'm like, I know, and it takes so much time. But I do like that gift of giving of yourself. And in whatever form, if it's an email, a text, a phone call, is powerful. Yeah. You know, and while you're encouraging them, of course, one way to encourage is just pray for them and to let them know that you're praying for them. So I had a friend and she wasn't even a best friend of mine. And she would text me every once in a while. And she's like, I just want you to know you're on my daily prayer list. So every morning when I have my coffee, I'm praying for you. And that was huge to me, you know, even though we weren't even that close. Right. So if you're going to pray and let them know you're praying, because that's very encouraging. Isn't that such a great feeling, though? I think we all need it, but can you imagine what that does for someone, especially when you've talked about just the lonely feelings that you can have going through the illness, the days where you've been isolated because you don't feel good and you can't get out, you're not capable of getting out, is to have that connection with people and just reaching out. Yeah, and I'll say when you feel isolated and lonely, It's kind of an oxymoron and it goes against beliefs, but you tend to not reach out. You tend to pull even more inward. And so if someone does reach out to you, you might reject that reaching out. Okay. So I would encourage people to reach out time and time and time again, because sometimes it'll take two or three times to get through to that person and for them to allow you into their life. Because sometimes you're a little ashamed that you're sick and laying in bed, you know, so you kind of have to work through that. So be persistent and consistent. Okay. With that, sometimes I'll think of someone that I feel like I've reached out, and you kind of get, I don't know if it's a wall or you get the same response. And you get a little pushback. You feel like a pushback or no response. So then you're like, I'm questioning whether. Yeah. Like, was that like, was that off? They don't really want that, you know, because my heart is one. One, I first of all, want them healed. Right. And I never want to give up because my heart is, you know, as long as we have breath in our lungs, that there is a way of how God wants to minister to us. Now, that may be. And I'm kind of curious, too, in this conversation is. because I got this from my mother, is so often we would just go into a place to eat, and everybody wanted to lay hands and pray for them. I'm like, oh, okay. And I just ate my meal. Right? So I'm just saying, even doing life, and then... Not strangers, but acquaintances will want to pray or say something that is so wrong. Right. Like, how is, if I'm a friend, like, you want to protect them, too. I think people get uncomfortable when they don't know what to say, so they spout platitudes or little scripture arrows, you know, of scriptures. And I remember people used to tell me, God will never give you more than you can handle. And I'd be like, really? Because right now I feel like it's too, I can't handle it. He's given me more than I can handle, which he does because he wants us to rely on him. Yes. But it would just make me feel bad even though they were trying to make me feel better. So I would just say, hey, I'm praying for you. I'm there for you. And if you're texting that person and they're not responding, what's the next step you can do? Move forward. Don't move back. So either text them again, send them a card in the mail, drop flowers off in the front door and text them and say, there's flowers out on your porch. I just want to let you know I was thinking about you. So keep pursuing moving forward. That's really good. Because you'll eventually crack the shell of their loneliness and their isolation. You know, one of the things I think is important, too, when you're talking about just the way we can be friends, the flowers, is understanding even the diagnosis of what they have. You know, a lot of times there's some people have a gift of hospitality and they would love to make food. Right. But I've learned even when people, we've set up meals with our team members is... People didn't think about what that food was not going to be healthy on the other end. And I don't know. I mean, I'm also asking them from that standpoint. What do we need to do to make sure we want to do things well? We don't want to waste our food resources and money where they couldn't even use it because it's... You know, you want to anticipate their needs. And so I have a friend that would always offer me meals and I'd always turn her down because I had lots of food issues, food allergies. And this is going to sound weird, but someone offering me food made me feel guilty that I couldn't make food for my family. Okay. It made me feel worse. And that was just me. Yeah. But you want to. Not everybody. Yeah. That's not everybody's cup of tea because I have a friend that would love a meal anytime, any day. Bring it. I'm not ill, but I'm fine. Yeah. So I would just say and try to anticipate their individual needs. And please don't say, what can I do to help you? Or if you need anything, let me know. Because that places the burden on the sick person. Yes. And so what they need is for someone to just come into their life and have ideas and just go ahead and do it. So, you know, drop off a DVD or movie, you know, at their doorstep. Send flowers. I had a friend send me a fruit bouquet with an apology card of, hey, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. And that meant a lot to me. um you can do um what i call a mental vacation so you just you you stop off at their house and you come in and you think of you know what embarrassing thing happened to me this week what was a funny memory you had together what'd you do on your last vacation or you just sit and watch tv i had a friend i would get together with every week and we would watch our favorite show together wow on the bed and we would just laugh like this is us you know at 40 whatever yeah watching tv in the middle That's awesome. So those are all ideas. And then if that is not enough for you, find out what's wrong with them. So for me, it would have been Lyme disease. With another friend, it might be an autoimmune condition. Google that condition. Look it up. Find a blog. There are so many blogs out there of sick people chronicling their lives. So you go to that autoimmune condition blog, and you read what that person is saying, what their life is like, and that will give you like 10 ideas to do for your friend. Because it's more individualized. But it's living intentionally. Yes. I mean, I like that idea, though, of not only all the suggestions you can get, because I even did a Googling of just chronic illness. Even though I've walked through it with both my parents is each one had a different type of sickness and multiple things. And so. Me even researching to know how I could even help them as a. Some of you also have that is how do you do life for a family member? For me, it was parents or is parents and was parents is learning what we can do to walk alongside them as a family member. You really have to go to the mat with them of of finding yourself. You may be a real caretaker, you know, right. There's times though I know that with you, Carrie, that you really did depend on your husband. Right. He was my main support. Yeah. So it was a lot on him. Yes. And I don't know then too, would that have helped the spouses to help your husband out if there were things like that? I think just him having conversation with friends and them understanding and being support for him was helpful for him. He was an amazing support, so I can't say enough great things about him. He's a great guy. And it's funny now because now he's able to help other people who are struggling with illness and help and talk to their spouses. So good can always come out of every situation. Totally. I like that. We were talking about doing things for people and them maybe turning you down or maybe feeling like a burden and feeling guilty. Like, oh, if I have to get help from one more person, that's how I felt. Like, it's been too many years. I'm too much of a burden. I loved it when people would just tell me what they were going to do. It's like I didn't have the choice. And I thought that was great because the control was taken out of my hands. And they just said, hey, I'm bringing A, B, or C to your house. I'm going to knock on the door again. If you don't answer, it's okay. I'll leave it there. And I just love you and I'm there for you. And that was a big deal. Like, oh, okay, I don't have to decide anything and I don't have to feel bad. They're just going to do it no matter what I say. Right. You know, one of the things I think that can be really helpful for us too is You know, a lot of different, like I grew up in some of the small churches too. I love how it was just a community that you're willing to literally just make food and like, hey, I have extra. So depending on the person with a chronic illness, some of them, there's just going to be a resistance because I've been around some of that. So I would always say. I'm going to have extra when I make food. Do you mind if I just drop it off? Yeah. See, then I wouldn't feel bad. So for someone like you, you're like, oh, I feel awful. But I'm like, you know what? Since I'm going to be cooking, I may as well just have, I'm going to have extra. I would love to just drop it off. That way, depending on someone's personality, you can maybe prevent that feeling, whether I know you've talked about shame or maybe embarrassment. Right. And we all need each other. And I think that's the thing is beautiful no matter what we're going through. And even if it's an opportunity, it's like, hey, with your husband, like, hey, why don't you go out and do something? One of us girlfriends, a couple of girlfriends are going to come over and hang out with Carrie. Giving him a night out just to hang with the guys and do something. I think there's so much fun of coming up with creative ideas is what we can do as friends and families to help each other. Well, I mean, if you want to get really creative, I can tell you what I really wanted, and that's I wanted someone to clean my shower. Now that is a friend. That would be a really good friend, right? Yes. Now, I wasn't able to ask anybody that, but, you know, you think about they're cleaning their house and they're using chemicals that might be bothering them. Yes. So I would try to clean my bathroom, and then the next day I'd be so sick from the exposure to the chemicals. Okay. So then I didn't clean my bathroom, and it was kind of scary. So I mean if someone would have said hey, let me let me come you know, right? Let me do some housework for you. What can I do and they'd show up with a little carton of household cleaning supplies I would have let them in right and if that's not your talent You could call a service. I've done that I've done both so I don't mind getting on the floor or the shower or whatever. I've been there done it but Based on what we've talked about before is sometimes you're like I'm just too busy and You know, I think we're too busy with some things, but we have to live life intentionally of what is your priority and what's the most important thing? What can I do to give to someone else? And I think that we have to recognize sometimes my sacrifice is nothing compared to someone's pain, someone's loneliness, someone who's gone through so many things. And I believe we truly are is we are to be the representation of Jesus Christ, who is willing to do anything and everything, For us. And sometimes it's just not easy. But God didn't call us into a place of ease. He called us into a place of resting in him. And trusting him. And that he would bring people about. And you're right though. Some of us have had to apologize. Because I remember we've had conversations. And I'm like. Internally I drove home. I'm like. Oh gosh was I that one? I think I was. And I wanted to know. It was embarrassing on my part. You know. And I think. Oh God help me. That I would be. obedient. Right. You know, because I'm like, well, it's too late all those years. Yeah. I did a couple of things, but I'm like, it was not like, you know, a token of like, I'm wonderful. No, it's like, I want to do things right and well. And I want, I think all of us have that heart of Doing something that's going to be a blessing and help versus a burden or make you feel bad. You know, when we talk about this, I'm not saying that I've worked through everything with all my friends or that I've worked through all forgiveness issues or that I've been there for a friend myself. I had to say to a friend, I'm sorry for not being there for you. Even after my illness, I wasn't there for someone I found out afterwards. So I'm not coming at this like, hey, I've got this all under control. I'm working on this too. We all are. And so I would just say, if you're watching this and you say, hey, I realize I haven't been there for that friend. Gosh, what should I do? The most important thing would be to apologize and to come to them and say, you know, would you please forgive me for not being there when you needed me most? You know, I was a crap friend. And I'm sorry, but I'm here from from from here on out. I'm with you. I'm in your corner. And I think that would that would be huge. And I think, you know, as much as you're also wanting us on our side to have creative ideas of what we can do, you know, I think it's a mutual have a conversation, whether it's a family member or a friend is sometimes it's OK to have some like, hey, this is some ideas of what I thought about. And make sure it's something that would work well for you. Because we've talked about the diet issues based on what your illness is. And frankly, if someone's ill, there is diet issues. So it's understanding it enough to figure out what you can do if you're one of those people who wants to give food. Right. Well, you know, if you're being present in their life, then you're going to pick up on their needs. Right. I think that's the key. If you hang out, that's a great time when you have that conversation. Now, there was another conversation we talked ahead of time about something about spoons. Okay, so there's this thing called spoon theory, and it was by this girl who... Now there's a whole website called Spoon Theory. You can look it up. Just Google it. All right. And she was, you know, to lunch with her friend, and her friend was trying to understand, you know, what does a day look like in your life? And, you know, can you explain this exhaustion that you keep telling me about? Because people that haven't had that severe exhaustion really don't know what it feels like. Mm-hmm. So she went around and gathered all the spoons from all the tables around them and held them, had her friend hold them in her hand. And so she said, okay, I'm going to start my day out. And she says, you know, I get up and I get the kids to school. And she took a spoon away from the friend. And she said, I take a shower and I wash my hair. That's a lot of energy for me, so I'm going to take two spoons out, you know. And then I take the, you know, I fix lunches for the kids or I fix dinner. I take some more spoons out so that maybe by 5 o'clock she's got two spoons left. So she can fix dinner and put the kids to bed or she can do that thing she planned with her friend. So basically what I'm saying is sometimes your friend is going to opt out. They're going to cancel, and it might be last minute. They're going to let you down. They're going to pull out of things. You need to have grace for that situation because they're really trying to do the best they can. That's good. Those are really helpful. I think that there's a lot more, I don't know if there's a lot more ideas that can help us to do suggestions. I think also it's personality. Yeah. Because I think that there's especially, and even if it's for men that are out there that are struggling too, that's humbling. I mean, I've been a caretaker with family members that are men, and then it's so humbling for them to receive the help, and yet helping them take care of them, doing something like cutting their nails was like something that made them feel so good, but I'm like, wow. That is not something I would do is cut someone's toenails. But I knew that made him feel so happy. And for that, I was willing to, you know, like I was willing to do it. And I think we just need to get creative. Right. Continue the dialogue, right? Right. And so one of the things I would think we need to do is continue our conversation online with you. Is let us hear from you. And what have you experienced? Maybe you've got some other ideas that you want to add to about what. You relate to what Carrie is talking about, things that you've had as a caretaker or a friend that's really worked. We want to get your ideas because it's a community that we can help to help be better friends with each other. Yeah, and if I could just say one final thought, and that is that, you know, whoever is facing illness, that you're not alone, that God never leaves your side, that that's a common lie of the enemy is that you're alone, no one cares about you. And that's just not true. Because he says, you know, his character is all over the word of God. You know, he's always faithful. He never changes, you know, from yesterday to today to forever. Yes. So I would say, you know, you're not alone. There are people who care about you. The Lord cares about you. And just, you know, release any unmet expectations that you have for people. You know, let it go. They're doing their best. Everyone has junk in their lives that they're working through. And sometimes it gets in the way of us being ministers of the gospel to people. So just understand. That's really good. So stay connected with us. Subscribe to our podcast. We like to not only hear from you, but also go to iRefresh.net. We're on all the social medias. Until then, go change your world.