EP 16 Thriving as a Mother and Wife - Lisa Fenimore

After a decade of gathering women together for prayer, we are inspired to bring our words of encouragement to you. This is iRefresh. Welcome to iRefresh, where we empower ordinary women to do extraordinary things through the power of prayer and encouragement. And today with me, I have Lisa Fenimore. Hi! Good to have you. Thanks. What I would love for us to talk about today is really the maneuvering and maybe the struggles and the journey, and maybe just the highlights of having three kids. Like how you do three kids, I'm not sure. And along with all the transition as you went through cancer, your husband went through a similar thing. Highlight something with us about what it's like having the kids in the midst of all this. Well, I'll give you an example from yesterday. Okay. Yesterday I was in the fitting room trying on clothes, trying on this shirt actually. Yeah. And I had my two-year-old with me, and I didn't have a stroller or a cart or anything like that. She was just in the fitting room. So I am changing. I have nothing on except my undergarments. And she decides just to run under the door of the changing room and just book it. And I am not clothed, so there's nothing I can do. And I'm like, Everly! I'm trying to get dressed as soon as I can. And I hear her like, ha ha ha ha, running down the hall. And then I hear a voice like, um, like I could tell someone out there, realize there's a child escaping. So I'm like, I'll be right there. And I peek my head out of the door and it's this maybe 20 something woman standing there like, um, is she yours? And I'm like, yes. I'm like, Everly, come back to me. And she came back to me, so I didn't have to run out without clothes on. But that's a pretty accurate representation of life with three kids, I think. Or is that her personality? She's a little saucy sometimes. I think she might be like mama. Well, I am also the third child, so I don't know. Maybe there is something to that. I don't know. Playful. Yeah. Very fun. But Target made their doors lower now, so kids can't escape. I think a mom designed that. I think that was wisdom. Yeah, there is wisdom in that. Wow. So now you know where to go with her shopping and where you can't. Or you're going to have to have a lot of layers. So you might have to just figure out what it's like to have clothes on. I'll have a lot of bodysuit no matter what. Ready to rush. Wow. So what is it? Okay, so you have three. So tell me names, age, male, female. Yeah. So Gabriella is seven. She's about to be eight. She's finishing up first grade right now. She's very excited for that to be a second grader. And that's been hard for me because I'm like, I don't have this little child anymore. She has personality and she wants to choose. certain shoes with her outfits and I'm like, Uh oh, decision making. Everything is Jojo with the big bows. You know Jojo? Oh yes. Yeah, she's like taking over the world with these bows. Oh my goodness. But yeah, so my daughter's right in that age where everything is like rhinestones and glitter and bows. Right. She's a little sassy too, but in a good way. And then Jacob is five and he is just my sweet, sweet, cuddly boy, Jacob Samuel. He, I can't even describe it. He'll just randomly be like, mommy, I just really love you. And I'm like, yes, come to me. He just is such a charmer and he has these beautiful eyelashes. And I feel like I'm gonna have to be batting women away as he gets older, like, no, no, not my sweet boy. But he's always been a little cuddler from when he was born. So he's my sweetheart. And then Everly, my runner. And she's two. She just turned two. You get your exercise with your kids. I do. Yeah. You know, people talk about mom arms from holding babies. I think it's a real thing. It's true. Like seriously. I used to be able to, until my boys were, I don't know what their age was. I know there was like a 65 pound on one side and about 60 on the other. And I was so proud that I could still carry them down my hallway. This is about to be done. Because they'd always fake. I don't know about you, but they would always fake that they were sleeping. They might be sleeping or they fake sleep. So I had to get them out of the car and take them to their beds. And I'm like, are you kidding? My husband kind of looked at me, they can just wake up. I'm like, no, no. Because I want them to go to sleep. And then they kind of went, yeah, their eyes like open a little bit when you lay them down. Like, seriously? Yes. Okay. But I'm like, okay, exercise. That's good. That's a good thing. Yeah. So I have a funny story. I purposefully, and I think most moms have done this at some point in their life, but just continuing to drive around the block to get their kids to go to sleep at night. Yes, I've heard that. Yeah, like it's close to bedtime. They're kind of on the edge. We're just going to roll with this for a few miles. Yes. So I was driving around the block, and I didn't hear anything for like a solid five minutes. So I thought, great. Safe. They're out. They're out. So I bring one kid in, I bring the other kid in, and then my oldest, she's still in her seat, and she's like 60 pounds now. So I'm like, OK, how am I going to do this? I get her. I go through all this stuff. I bring her upstairs to her room, and she goes, surprise! No! It was all a lie! She wasn't asleep through any of it. She made me do all of that. So, yeah. Ornery. Yeah, a little bit, a little bit. Okay, so what happened? Did you get her to go to sleep? I mean. Or just lay there? I told her to lay down, and we did a little bit of our routine. But honestly, I appreciate her humor. So it's very hard for me to be straight-faced. Like, I can't do game face in those moments and just be like, Mom, like, you go to bed. Don't do that, you know, because I just think it's really cute. And I'm like, oh, that was funny. You got me. You know she's going to do it again now. Oh, yeah, definitely she's going to do it, yeah. So I don't know if that's just, is it happy all the day, every day, or are there moments where you're like, are you serious? You know, when you, especially when you and your husband have been going through, were going through challenges. What do they play off? Do they pick up that stress that's, you know, going on of just dealing with life? Yeah. Well, yeah. So the back story, I had cancer and then my husband had a tumor after I was cancer free and job changes, moving to different cities even. So there has been a ton of transition in the last four or five years of our lives. And I... All their lives. Yeah. Yeah, their whole lives. It's been just one thing after another. And because of that, you know, I think there has been tension. There has been stress. There have definitely been moments, even with my husband and I, where things are just tough. Yeah. But we try to keep the home joy-filled no matter what. I'm not perfect. I can't say that every day. I'm like, come on, darlings. I've prepared this meal for you. Let's sit down and eat. You don't cook a meal every evening, do you? Oh, no. Okay, good. Thank you. I wish. I wish. Most of the time, I'm like, do you want chicken nuggets or grilled cheese? There you go. That's my life right now. And then I eat the scraps that are cold, pretty much. Yes. But yeah, so there are tough moments and stressful moments. Yeah, I can't just pretend that everything is great, but I think that's why I'm so grateful for the Holy Spirit that gives us joy through the moments, that gives us peace through the moments. And, you know, I've literally locked myself in my bedroom for a few minutes and said, like, go away through the door because I just need to refresh and get my head space in the right place because I don't want to be a mean mom that yells and gets angry. And I think it's so easy to get caught in that trap. Especially if you're already exhausted from just doing mom things. And I know as my kids get older, it'll be different mom things, but still mom things. So trying to take moments to refresh, even if it's... you know, locking my kids out for a second. No, fingers under the bathroom door. There is no place where you're safe. They can find you. Exactly, and they know when you get on the phone, and they know when you're trying to use the bathroom. They know everything. They're there, like, Mommy! They know. They know always. It's crazy. So the opportunity that you've learned even in the midst to know the wisdom to get away, to be able to regroup instead of unloading on them, I think that is great. That it's okay to have permission And then even like, you know, for them, like to have a time out kind of thing. Not for necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes we just need to regroup. Yes. But if they learn that you regroup, then it gives them permission like it's okay. It's not a bad thing. They can take it as a positive that we just all have to regroup and re-like focus our attention. Yeah. That's a healthy way to handle it. Absolutely. Versus the explosions when it's too late. Yes. And I think my husband has been really instrumental in helping me realize that I need those moments. Sometimes in the moment, like, you need to chill. Oh yeah. But a lot of times he's like, why don't you just go hang out at Starbucks tonight? And I used to be defensive, like, why? Why did I do something wrong? He's like, you just need some alone time. Because I'm a stay-at-home mom, and I'm an extrovert. I need interaction with people. And when my only... interaction as little people is stressful because they're needy. I'm constantly serving. And when you're constantly serving, it leaves you empty. And if it's not in prayer time, getting in the word, even practical things like getting out and hanging out with friends, you just feel empty. And so I'm grateful for my husband that sometimes will point it out in me when I don't see it myself, that I need to take a little bit of a mommy chill pill. and go do something fun, you know? But, but learning, I can totally see that, because I can see my husband's done the same thing. What are you saying? What is the undercurrent? Yeah. But yet they're wanting to bless us. Yeah. if we're better and more healthy emotionally or whatever, then it's gonna, I mean, because you shift and change the atmosphere, good or bad in your home, and your kids pick up on that. So I think that those are really great tips that we can really take away, that it's okay, and there's a grace for it, and especially if you're an extrovert. I can't imagine, well, I can't imagine. I remember in the moment, you're like, I need adult talk. Can we not talk about bubble guppies and Daniel Tiger? Yeah. But, you know, I think when you started doing it, that's why I think I had my kids going into so many different activities because you had mom talk, and you get so many great tips. Yeah. Because you're like, when you're going through something with a child, you're like, this didn't work, and we don't have time to always read. Yeah. But if you exchange stories with another mom, I'm going to try that one. Exactly. I think it's so easy, especially a mom with young kids, to just kind of fall in the trap of being to yourself or feeling like you don't have time for friendships, you don't have time for hobbies, you don't have time to do things for you. And I think self-care and self-love is a word or a term that's thrown out a lot lately because mental health is becoming, it's kind of coming to light. People are really focusing on mental health. And as a mother, and especially going through transitional times, I didn't always see the need for my own mental health. I didn't see, well, I'm serving this way, I'm giving this way, I'm taking care of my kids, I'm taking care of my husband, homeroom mom, whatever it is, it just, it kind of leaves you at a place where you feel like there's nothing for you and it makes you go inward, you know? And I think it's just kind of a trap where you want to go in sometimes and feel like, you just sort of feel like nobody really cares. You know, I could never venture out again and nobody, you know, no one would ever see my yoga pants and they're fine with that. You know, but I think one of the best things I ever did for myself was actually through all the trials of cancer and my husband and then having our third child and moving different states and different jobs One of the best things I ever did was for myself was really realizing that I need something for me, too I can't just constantly give out and the Lord spoke to me so clearly That the way I am the quirkiness the goofiness, you know, I'll dance in the kitchen with my kids, whatever it is He spoke to me that when I am myself, it's honoring to him because he made me that way. So really in the last couple of years, I've sort of taken that to heart. Like, it's okay for me to be quirky on Instagram or it's okay for me to make up dance moves with my kids. There's a day where they are not going to want that. They're going to be like, mom, that is so not cool. but right now they still like it so I'm gonna capitalize on it because I like it. I do because I'm embarrassing my kids at this point. Yeah, do it now when you can. Yeah, because they're not quite embarrassed yet but they will be. Yes. But another thing is that I started to exercise and it was never something I thought I would enjoy but I invested in a gym membership with good childcare and I'm able to go and exercise and just be in my head and pray or whatever it is, just focusing on my health and having time to do something for me consistently without a kid pulling at my leg. For someone else it might not be exercise, it could be a mommy's play group or something like that, whatever it is. I just think it's important to take time for yourself so that you can refresh and kind of figure out who you are and who the Lord has made you because you're not just a servant to your family. Even though we are to serve our family, we're not just a servant to our family. Exactly. Yeah. I think you're right with the self-care and balancing that and making it, you're talking about too, doing it in a regular, consistent way. I think exercise, we all need it because that will affect us emotionally and physically and then probably even spiritually. And, you know, you can get really creative with that. Because even though I'll actually work out with my son, but I also, I'll walk with a friend. And no excuses. We go to the mall now. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, there's a sale. There's a tea store. Oh, great. Oh, wait, that store closed. Wait, what store was that? I'm like, oh, it's been too long. But I think you're right, though. You need to make a habit of getting yourself where you're outside of your element. Yeah. And get probably a really fresh perspective anyway. So when you go back, you're like, maybe you can even have... God moments, it gives you like clarity of what to do with your kids at different stages because as soon as you think you've got them figured out Yeah, definitely. I think that's really healthy. And I think, what was it like to, you talked about you moved several times. I can't imagine moving with infants. Yeah. I mean, at that point, some of them, they were very, they were toddlers. What would, I mean, did you have ideas of how to do that and change and shift? Because it was more of the change that you and your husband probably had to go through then, than them not knowing any different. I honestly don't know how we got through all of it. Really? Is it kind of a blur? It kind of is. I think sometimes when you go through difficult things, you just go in like fight mode, like, we're just gonna do this, we're just gonna do this. But my husband's mom is very much like an organizer type of person. And so she's been really great in like the times that we've moved that she's been like, okay, I'm going to come over and we're going to do your kitchen. We're going to box up your kitchen today. I'm like, yes, thank you. Like having someone that's a skill set that they're good at because I'm not so great. I'd rather dance in the kitchen. She'd rather pack in the kitchen. I love it. So having, yeah, so maybe just knowing people in your life that are good at things that you're not that you can kind of pull on and be like, hey, I kinda, you know, we're moving, I need this or whatever. That's great. I like that idea because, you know, we can't be all things. Yeah. And do what you do well. Yeah. But having a mother-in-law has that ability is awesome. Yeah. I'm grateful for it. Yeah. I think we should probably tag our friends where they have a different gift than we do that we should like, oh, hey, come on over. Yeah. Come on over. You're good at cleaning. Yeah, offer too. You're really good at cleaning refrigerators. Can you come over? No, but I think that, you know, through those moves and stuff, it was challenging, but I would try to take it step by step. You know, we're going to do the kids room. We're going to do this. And knowing my capacity and trying to plan accordingly. Like, I can't. pack up a house and move a bunch of kids in one day. So, you know. Breaking it down. Yeah, and I also can't, you know, afford to hire someone to come do this for me. So we're going to break it down. And getting the kids involved, like, hey, let's put your toys in a box. Let's make sure that they're safe, you know. So do you want to put your Barbies with your stuffed animals or your Barbie, you know. Just making it fun for everybody so that... it doesn't always feel like a chore that it doesn't always feel like maybe a sad thing if the kids are processing emotions of a move even um you know getting them involved in that way so that they're also looking forward to the next thing and um my husband was so great too and always sharing with the kids because his dad was in the military and they moved quite a bit And he told me that his mom would always pray over him, that he would always get better and better friends from city to city, just, you know, basically glory to glory. And so that's kind of how we've taken our approach whenever there's hard things with the kids, like God will give us better. He doesn't close the door not to open up. another one. That's excellent. Yeah. And I think, you know, the way it sounds like your family has learned to maneuver through changes, you know, I think a lot, whether it's moving or going through both of you, going through cancer or tumor, being able to have children, even when the doctor said, there's no reason why you should be, I mean, the miracles that God's done in the midst of your family, but every one of us goes through some kind of a challenge. And I like your approach of looking around and seeing what you can do. Yeah. And I mean, what are some other things that you think would be helpful for our audience to be able to hear of things that you tapped into, that you or your husband worked together to work through some of the challenges you went through? Because he was transitioning with different jobs at different points. And I'm thinking, okay, if you had cancer and you have treatments, and then that means you've got to make sure insurance is there. What are some things that you've had to go through that you think would be helpful? Yeah. Well, just on the practical side of going through those things, you see people going through treatment, you see people... you know going to doctors appointments and such but there's the practical side of the stress the emotions you know health insurance the finances things like that that are kind of, it's like if you have a tank of stress, those things are already putting you at halfway and then the actual diagnosis or whatever it is kind of puts you up at the top even more. So we would just make sure that we're giving out to one another in the way that we feel like each other needs. You know? Like our love languages are different. And I know, you know, love languages. But just knowing who you are, how you receive love, how you deal with stress. My husband and I are very different in that way. He is a great communicator. He's very good at pulling out questions and making me think. I can just be like, don't talk to me, I'm stressed, you know? And I do need time to process emotions and process thoughts. And sometimes that, it makes for stress even within our own marriage because he's like, talk to me, don't do what you're doing, talk to me. But he's a quality time guy, and I'm a words of affirmation girl. So we've kind of learned, we've been married for 10 years now. But you've learned that early on then. Yeah, we did. So that you can help compliment whatever the other one needs. Yeah, and it's not like this amazing science that works every time, we have our moments. But knowing that about each other, whether it's friendships, marriage relationships, kid relationships, just knowing how they give and receive love, I think is a valuable tool in moving forward as easily as possible. It's not always with ease, but as easily as possible. I think it's great. I think there's a lot of different things that we can go through, whatever ups and downs are, and you're still, no matter what, you still have three kids. We have kids, we have responsibilities. But learning, I like how you have engaged your kids even in the process of your changes. And whether it's a move or walking through the cancer, like you talked about earlier in the other episode about your daughter... The wigs. With the wigs. I just think, like, how cute is that? That she participated and you made it a fun experience instead of something that was depressing or heavy. Yeah. Should mommy be a redhead today? Or a brunette. Yeah, and that's very, but like your, I think it flows well with your personality, which both you, and that, I think that, the one thing I see that goes with everything I've been learning from you too, is consistently trusting God, going deep with Him, hearing His voice, and allowing the Holy Spirit to now lead you with everything. Yeah, I think stopping to listen, is huge and we just get so busy and I get so busy and when you're dealing with tough transitions or just situations in general and you get busy in your mind and physically trying to do other things and taking a moment to listen is powerful Remember when I was going through chemo, I basically put it on my calendar that on chemo night, I was going to take a hot bath and spend some time in prayer, which is such a simple thing. I was like, I want to detox in multiple ways. That's great. So I took time to do that so that I could listen. And those were some of the best conversations I had with God. You know, no hair, no eyelashes, nothing, but just. sitting in the tub listening to a podcast or just praying or watching a church service online or something, but I could hear the Lord speak to me in those moments. And even when I started to lose my hair, it was a very stressful thing, of course, because it's your hair, you know? You feel like, I'm a woman, I don't wanna lose my hair. But I remember just being still and just hearing God say, I know the numbers of hairs on your head. I know when there are zero. Like, I just felt that so strongly that he was saying, like, I know whether it's a million or it's zero. Like, I know. Sorry, I'm getting emotional thinking about it. But rather than taking, like, oh, I'm going through this hard thing. I've lost my hair. Like, God still knows. He knows what I'm feeling. He knows that, you know, there's nothing on me. And just that... like the peace of knowing that God knows. And if you're not taking time to listen, then you're not really feeling those things. Obviously God can reach you in different ways, but I think listening is so important in going through trials, pausing, to really get in touch with God and to hear what He's saying. That's so good. Yeah, I think that's where we need to understand too is the listening factor. Yeah. I don't think we, I think we can get caught up in our emotions and we don't stop to hear what God wants to tell us. Yeah. So there's so many wonderful nuggets. It's been wonderful spending time with Lisa and just hearing her heart and what God has been doing in her through her life and just the richness of where God has taken her even in the deep places. And I think that all of us we need that hope. We need the the understanding that God is always with us And he does want to bring joy, even in no matter what their circumstances are, that we can choose joy. And that's definitely what Lisa and Nathan, her husband, have done. And even engaging their kids in the process, in the midst of everything. That's who our God is, that he is constantly there, present, if we will engage and listen to him. So we hope that you will subscribe to our podcast, share and tag people on our Facebook, and let us hear from you. I believe that there's a lot of people out there with parenting or cancer survivors or transition in life, job transitions, the struggles that we go through, just meeting our personal basic needs, that a lot of us have been going through that. And Lisa has some really great words of encouragement. And so please be good to share it with your friends who could really use this encouragement. Until then, go change your world.