EP 1 Life Coaching and Valuing Self Care - Patty Gerstenberger

After a decade of gathering women together for prayer, we are inspired to bring our words of encouragement to you. This is iRefresh. Welcome to iRefresh, where we empower ordinary women to do extraordinary things through the power of prayer and encouragement. And I have with me a longtime friend from the days of college named Patty Gerstenberger. So welcome. Thank you so much. It's an honor. I promise not to bring up too many stories. And we could, like, totally do a whole session on storytelling because she is quite a jokester. But I think what I'm going to do, I'm going to turn it around on her and allow us to do a little bit. We do the icebreaker Q&A. So it's just random questions. We'll see how we do here. All right. Are you one who prefers to watch Hulu or Netflix? Alright, don't judge me. We don't really watch TV. Oh, that's probably a good idea. What emoji best describes you today? A big sunshine. I love it. What's your favorite dessert? Please tell me you do desserts. I don't do dessert. I love making it. Chips and salsa. I'd have chips and salsa for dessert. That's right. Oh, okay. So your favorite snack would be chips and salsa. All right. All right. What's your favorite kind of music? Worship. All right. Do you have a nickname? No. Or you don't want to give it away. There we go. Okay. All right. I'm Patricia if I'm in trouble. Oh, okay. And would that be from your husband? Or my mother next door. Yeah. Okay. Do you text or prefer FaceTime? FaceTime. Okay, all right. All right, well that's just a few little fun things. But I always think it's kind of fun to do random little questions just to get, it helps me to be a little bit more at ease. But anyways, one of the things I've enjoyed in learning about Patty over the years is some of the, she's been in town, moved away, come back, and watching her life actually I was very, actually, when I moved back into town, I got to be in a Bible study that she and a dear friend, what we've had, Carrie Kittinger, were running. And I felt like a proud mother since they were in my dorm at college. And watching them thrive in their place where they were leading, um, a wonderful, actually quite a few different Bible studies. I enjoyed that, but now Patty has been taking on some different roles in her life, which as a mother of? Three boys. And their names are? Carlin, Peter, and Brady. So, and okay, so now are we an empty nester? No. Two and a half years, not that we're counting. Not excited about it at all, no. But one of the things I thought was great in watching, even with social media as you were transitioning, that you started to do life coaching. Can you tell me a little bit about life coaching? What does that mean as far as life coaching versus counseling? Sure. Yeah. So how I got started in life coaching is I had considered going back to get my master's in counseling and just to be honest, school was not my thing. I struggled. School was very hard for me. So going back to school and even with my season with the family, it was not. it just did not have peace. And I had a friend who asked me if I'd be interested in becoming a life coach. And the more that I learned about it, the more I learned coaching is a little bit more as compared to counseling is when you're coming for healing. Or as a friend said, you're going from negative 10 to kind of zero where you're wanting to be back to where and who you are. And life coaching really is when you have a goal and you're just needing someone to help you with a goal or the transition or even with a relationship. And that's what a life coach does is just partner with you for you to achieve your goal the way that you want to, not the way that the life coach does. That makes sense because I know it's like the trendy word, but sometimes I'm like, I thought I knew what it was, but it helps to kind of bring clarity on the differences. And we're huge believers in counseling, honestly. We feel like counseling is like an oil change. It's not if you get it, it's you should get it often. And it's just something that will help center you and keep you whole. But life coaching is really when you have your eyes set on something and for whatever reason, whether it's yourself or your season or... you know, so many things that life throws at us that you're just not able to achieve it and enough time has passed that you think, you know what, I need some help to get there. Well, tell me, so you chose life. Tell me a little bit from the background, like what led you and like your journey into becoming a life coach. So when Roger and I moved back from Minneapolis, we had talked about me going back to school, but as I had alluded to, I just did not have a piece about life. Going back to school and having three boys, and we had just moved across the country again, it just did not have peace about it. But I had a friend who was starting the process and said, I really, really think that this has your name all over it. And honestly, I was not in the season where I thought that I could add one more thing to my plate. But as I looked at it, and she had started the school with Christian Coaching School Online, and I loved the fact that it was interactive. So I visited the class online a couple times, and it just absolutely lit me up. It was interactive. It wasn't just like going to school and maybe filling out questions. And so Roger and I prayed about it, and we were in a season where we were Roger is an amazing husband and would give me whatever I asked for, but we were not in a season where we had the resources to put me through school with everything that we had going on and I just didn't have the heart to ask him for something that I knew that we did not have. So I prayed about it and I Much to my shock, I received a check in the mail for the entire amount. Wow. And I don't get checks in the mail. It was a complete shock and surprise. And then when I realized all that I had prayed for, I thought, oh, no, here we go. God answers prayers. Yes. What a miracle. But I think, you know, when you think about it, when we do ask God and then he actually answers us, You know, it's like when he answers, you're like, oh, we're shocked that he does provide an answer one way or the other. And even something that I had in my heart, you know, which even as a mom, you think, well, is that my desire? Is that something that, you know, I can really do for other people? So even praying and processing through that, he definitely made it clear that I was to go to school, which began a year and a half journey of... schooling and enjoying learning how to be a life coach. Because you said you didn't really, schooling was not something you really cared for, but yet this was like, it hit a core for you. It was really something that you gravitated to. It did because this particular school, which is a wonderful school, was very interactive. So it wasn't just like I had school and I had homework. I had interactive homework with other students and our teachers throughout the entire week. So that lasted for 18 months. with the business launch part of it and really I felt really prepared me well for becoming a life coach. That's great. Okay, when you've been working with different individuals, I'm assuming did you have like a certain group of people you felt led to do it or like your journey you've probably talked to all ranges of people men and women. Do you find that there's a common thread or a more common factor of people that are dealing with certain issues? I think that when the different people have come through, one of the core struggles has been self-care. Whether it's, you know, I've seen everyone from a 16-year-old boy to a woman in her 60s and everybody in between, that self-care was something that they were not meaning to ignore, but because of their season or everything else that they had going on that they just really weren't, paying attention to or were not aware of it. Wow. Would you describe to me what you think, like, self-care, what's that mean? Because I think when we were talking earlier, I was thinking about self-help, but it's, is that an old term, is it the same thing, or define what self-care is? Self-care is really having a healthy relationship with yourself. And sometimes we even feel selfish with thinking about ourselves. There's a great quote by Abraham Lincoln when he says, give me six hours to cut down a tree and I'll spend the first four sharpening my axe. Wow. So if you think of yourself as the axe, even being able to ask ourselves in our season, are we feeling worn down? Are we feeling sharp? Because we give out so much as women. And for us to give out... and not have the capacity to do that, really, not only the people who are around us, it's at their expense, it's really at our own expense. So when you don't have self-care in your life, that is when you are not present to yourself or you're not even aware of your own needs, pretending that you don't care. But the reality is, at some point, you started not being honest with yourself and even what you needed. You know, when you describe it that way, I think for me, when I'm like, I feel like if I'm idle, like I'm wanting to rest because I know I'm lacking the sleep or in mental rest, I feel guilty. Like for me just to sit down, I almost feel like, not even if I don't feel guilty, I feel like my family members are like, what is wrong with mom? because I'm being idle. Like what would you, how would you help me? Like how do you process that to be okay? Like it's okay to be at rest and what do you tell family members? And that is a communication because even you being idle and you having a perspective for yourself, you know, I'd be interested in asking your family what they see. Okay. Because sometimes when we even ask those around us what they see, they see something completely different. Would they see you being idle or lazy? Right, yeah, that's true. Which those two, a lot of people put those two words together or would they see you at more being rest and more peaceful? Because a lot of times when we feel like we have the need to do something, that makes other people feel like they can't rest and they need to be busy. That's good. If we're all busy, how do you connect? That's true. I know that the slogan is moment happy, no one's happy. I'm like, I don't like that slogan personally. And yet the value of each one of us having that license to be able to have that self-care, I think that's probably, I don't know, I think that's definitely a struggle of feeling like taking care of yourself. I think as I've gotten older, though, some things I know I need to do for the benefit of my family if I'm not in better shape. Because I know that I've made myself work out with my son with his trainer. And I'm like, I took his spot when he was out on a missions trip. And then when he came back, I lost it. So then when he was gone again, I'm like, this time I'm going to work out with you. I hope you're fine with that. And was he? Yeah. He surprisingly was, but I thought he was like, I'm not working out with her. But you know what it did for me though too? It was great because it allowed me to feel like taking care of my body and making myself feel better because I knew I needed it. I just never made the time for it. And you were able to connect with your son. Oh, yes. So I feel like sometimes as moms or women that we have these assumptions and it ends up bringing more on ourselves where if we invited other people into the conversation and even asked them for their perspective, that gives us a lot different perspective as well as more clarity. Because really we all want connection, but if we're doing our own thing and not paying attention to our own selves, we're still an island. That's good. Is that the most common thing really, is we don't stop to see what other, each of us are really our viewpoints? I think self assessment is a key component and that's something that when I have a client we Do something called a wheel of life. And basically it's a self-assessment tool. And how you think you're doing, if I'm your good friend, and how I think you're doing, if you think totally different, who's right? Okay. So really this is a self-assessment tool for you to even see where you're doing well, to be able to celebrate that, but also the areas that you want to work on. And when you start seeing your own life from a bird's eye perspective, it gives you the vision for what you want and then you work on how you want to get there. And it jumps from place to place in our lives when we find, okay, if I eat better, oh my goodness, I actually have the energy to exercise. And if I exercise better, I actually get better sleep. So it's these different things that by taking care of ourselves, and really it's about having a conversation with our families of not just, I'm gonna do this and this is important to me, but I really, this is important to me, would you help me find this in my day, and when we open ourselves up, our families are more than, like they want you to take care of yourself. I like that perspective where you're allowing the family to help you support the self-care. I mean, do you find that as you're maybe coaching one person, you're actually coaching maybe multiple people while you're doing the one? Oh, especially the family. Okay. Because you're giving them tools. You know, anything I have, I want to give out, and I want you to share it. So if you're able to get to a place where you feel more confident about verbalizing what you need, Then you're also inviting your kids. What do you need, Tim, in this season? So for him to give you, you know, what he's gonna say might be different than even what you see. And really asking the questions invites him instead of telling. Okay. That's a lot different. I think that's one of the biggest breakthroughs for me personally with coaching has been learning the art of asking questions and how that invites instead of me telling You know, when I have unsolicited opinions, that's criticism. True. And nobody wants to be around me when I'm critical. Well, I think the natural ability for any one of us, we want to shut down and pull back from people giving opinions. Right, because it means that you're not accepting me. All of a sudden I'm insecure. I feel like you're judging me or you're being critical of me. And really, your thought was you were just trying to be helpful. That's different than me asking you, could you help me in this area? Or I really need to exercise better. What are you doing? That's different than you telling me that I need to work out more. What a great dialogue. I mean, that would change every part of our process. personalities with one another in our family dynamics, probably even good friends. Oh, it has. I mean, asking the questions instead of our giving off opinions. No, it's been beautiful. And my closer friends, we have learned how, when we see each other struggling, you know, right now we're in a season where we're helping caretake my mother-in-law who's struggling with dementia. And my girlfriends will text me and just say, what do you need? They could probably think of a lot of things they could do, but really they're asking me what I need. And when somebody does that, you feel the validation of being seen. And honestly, I really don't need anything except them to care for me and for me to be seen in my own season. So I think that that's... I like the idea when you're saying to be seen because I think sometimes you hear people feel like People don't reach out to another person because they don't know what to say. And they think they're going to get the same response, like I don't need anything. But the fact that they're validating you of reaching out to you is still really important. Right. And so even though you may not know what to do or offer, to me it sounds like what you're saying is still important for you to have them connect with you and ask the questions. Because sometimes people are going through a season where we really don't know how to respond. You know, when somebody has cancer or, you know... There's just lots of different things that I'm sure your family and friends have gone through. And for me to assume I know what you need, no thanks. You know, and that's a good point though. Even if someone's gone through cancer, I think that's still the idea of asking the questions because everybody's journey in going through everything is going to be different. So to me, it sounds like really a key question. The thing is, is questions. that I can take away from what Patty's talking about is the idea of always asking and not just giving your opinions or your assumptions. Well, I can relate to that. I'm like, but you didn't even ask the questions. And not asking a question with almost, you already think you already know the answer. That doesn't work either. I remember I have a friend who went through cancer mutual friend and I can remember she was on my heart so I just texted her it was a Sunday morning just you know I'm thinking about you is there anything you need and her response was I would love some grilled chicken Wow and I thought okay like you know I mean I I don't know what I was expecting but I asked and you know I probably was thinking well maybe she's gonna send me some prayer requests or you know, not walking a close friend through breast cancer, you know, I didn't know what she needed. And I didn't, you know, I was still learning how that whole process was. Right. So, you know, I got up the phone and told Roger and he said, well, you know, it was a Sunday morning, we were getting ready for church. He said, I'm going to light up the grill. Why don't you go get, you know, a ginormous pack of, you know, I went to the store and picked up a ginormous pack of chicken and we grilled it and dropped it off and, That's how we spent Sunday morning together, and it was beautiful. It was very funny because we thought, how beautiful that we could undergird you, but not the way that I thought. But I really wanted to connect with her in a way that she needed, not that I needed. So it's always an adventure. I like that because, you know, on the other side though, when you asked her the question, if I was on her shoes, I would be afraid to even say, But I like that she said such a random thing. And I don't know if you... How would you... I mean, how do you help people transition to be able to be willing to be authentic? And like if you really did need something that seems odd, how would you get somebody like myself, like I would never ask? I mean, I think I grew up that way. You need to be self-sufficient and take care of yourself. And even, you know, this is a conversation that I've had both with my mom and my mother-in-law, and it was considered rude to tell somebody what you needed. Right. But that's not how I want to live. And really it's finding a like-minded community where you can trust your heart with them. That you really could share where you were at without them telling you. Right. So if our relationships are all built on, you know, just position, or if I only think our relationship is because of what you need from me, that's not authenticity. Mm-hmm. Right. And, you know, the Bible talks about when we sharpen, when iron sharpens each other. So that goes both ways. Right. That I don't want you just to tell me what you need. I really want you to ask me what I need without assuming. Right. Or telling me what I need. Wow. So it is, it's just been a beautiful dance of having a close community where you can truly be, because really I think it's about being honest. Oh yeah, which is hard because of our upbringing. Right, but it's not just being honest with your spouse or your family or your girlfriends, it's also about being honest with yourself. And sometimes, you know, when I'm with my clients, sometimes what they need is just permission to say, I need space. And that doesn't have to be a three-week vacation. It could be, I just need 30 minutes where nobody will knock on the door or yell my name. So just really finding, creating that space where you can be honest with yourself and connect with your day and really with where you're at. It's not something that I think you check in every year. I think it's a daily because it changes. Yes, absolutely. You know, and honestly, I have the personality where I would eat oatmeal every day. You know, I love order. I love things set in place. But that's not life. Right. And I want to be the kind of friend that somebody can text me and say, I would like some grilled chicken. That's great. What would you like to tell our audience, too, just some things that you think would be a good takeaway and even, like, how they can even get in touch with you and go on that journey? Because you've got some really valuable things, I think, would really change the atmosphere. and relationships amongst dear friends, our spouses, children. What could you highlight that you would want to share with them? I think one of the things that I can offer as a coach is just the tools for you to reach goals that you're not able to on your own. And honestly, I'm the first one to say that there's things that I really have in my heart, but I can't reach it by myself. So as a coach, whether it's a transition with a job, whether it's relationships, that that's what a coach can do is just help you achieve the goal that you have. And really, it's also about getting to know yourself better and giving you tools for you to be in life-giving relationships, not just with yourself, but also with others. That's wonderful. So if you would like to get in touch with Patti, she has a website. It's crosspointcoaching.com. And we'll also show it too as Patty Gerstenberger. You can follow her on Facebook and on her Instagram. And she's got both her personal account and then also the Crosspoint Coaching. I think it's a great opportunity. And you say, well, I may not be from her area. You know, there's no limitation with technology. And the great thing is that she can connect with you, whether you're from the Tulsa area or somewhere in the state, country, whatever it is. is connecting because I really believe that connecting the dots and asking the questions to have more authentic genuine relationships where the preconceptions It's pretty typical, which causes a lot of unnecessary divisions. I think she really highlights some really great things that we can use, great tools for you to be able to move forward in your life with healthy, good, quality friendships and relationships. So I am so grateful, Patty, for you coming today. Thank you. It's a privilege. I just think it's going to be great. So please get in touch with Patty. We hope to hear from you as well. So follow us on Facebook and make sure we hear from you about maybe some stories or things that you want us to celebrate with you and how you've been overcoming and walking through, even some examples that Patty has shared with you. Until then, go change your world.